Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Now I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness.

Well I guess I am more calm now (too calm--I've been reading old blogs instead of working on my Myth paper).

I have a playlist going right now that is mostly composed of Aqualung, The National, some Guster, some John Mayer, and Snow Patrol. It is a cold weather mix but also a "you are mature, now do what you need to do" mix.

Finals make me nervous, and old blogs make me nostalgic.

You can't forget the people from your past, because they really did have a hand in making you into who you are today.

December always makes me very think about Ben, probably because of the UT debate tournament being the first weekend of the month. It was also the month when I begged him to take me back during our sophomore year but he refused. Who knows.

The Rent musical soundtrack has a very wintery feeling to it because I would drive to work at the theater while listening to it every evening. And because I was getting trained in projection this time last year and getting out very late, the cold always caught me with my windows rolled down singing along to Happy New Year or Goodbye Love.

I guess December also reminds me a lot of the movie theater and the people from it. I was looking through facebook pictures the other day and found myself irritated by what I saw.

In the end it's always hard to decide what you should remember and what you really need to let go of.

Anyway, it is time to actually work on my paper.

I wanna hear what you have to say about me,
hear if you're gonna live without me.
I wanna hear what you want--
I remember December.
I wanna hear what you have to say about me,
hear if you're gonna live without me.
I wanna hear what you want--
what the hell do you want?

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

who will be the one to marry me?


No you may NOT hit my arm with a hammer, it actually HURTS. No you may NOT lay with your head on my CHEST. Yes, I AM leaving your room now, because I don't like being alone with you.

NO you are NOT funny, I am just laughing because I am LONELY. Don't FLATTER yourself.

No I do NOT have anything else to say because my days are DULL and spent in FANTASY WORLDS. And no, I'm not wrong. You will be the way you've always been--I've changed and you have NOT.

No your boyfriend may NOT spend the night because he SNORES and it PISSES ME OFF and can you act for one second that I LIVE HERE, TOO? Yes it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE and yes it is UNFAIR and EVERY OTHER DAY IS FAR TOO FUCKING OFTEN


...get out.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

tomaranai mirai wo mezashite

I guess I have just been watching A LOT of Magic Knight Rayearth.

Tonight between 11pm and 1am it is supposed to snow. I don't think it will, but just in case I thought I would let you all know.

Also, today is the day my novel was supposed to be finished. It is not yet 30,000 words (I will try to make it so, though). It isn't that I've given up, I've just slowed down a little because it is time that I got some amount of sleep at night, don't you think?

This semester cannot end soon enough.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

everything changes, everything falls apart

Well I'm coming home today. I want to. For the first time I have been really missing my mother. I think it's because I feel very lost, and although I would not tell her about the things that have been making me feel thus, I just want to feel safe and secure in my own room and the familiarities of the holidays.

I've been fucking things up with Austin, Ancient Greek, and my novel.

I just don't understand how someone would be willing to go at someone with a knife for sticking his hand down my pants but not to drive a half hour to Little Rock twice in one day in order to pick me up from the airport.

but Charles, the empty miles press
with the weight I had thought I was avoiding;
and how can I confess
when I know not what I am doing?

The new HP trailer is available on or the Happy Feet website. I checked for the cast list, and in the credits it gave names for the actors of "young Sirius Black" and "young Remus Lupin" and "young James Potter" and "young Peter Pettigrew" and "young Severus Snape." At least I know they will TRY to not fuck up the marauder bits completely by at least including them.

I like how I am having this slight life crisis and I can still get excited about HP.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

i am dark, mysterious, and pissed off

I suppose it has been a while since I last updated the world on my college experience. Things you may want to know:

-I have become addicted to Firefly
-I am writing a novel (50,000 words by Dec.1)
-I went to a dance party on Friday and got drunk and danced a lot. Innocent fun.
-Last night at 3am the fire alarm went off in Couch and I, in boxers and a shirt, grabbed two stuffed animals and my phone--NOT my shoes or my glasses or a blanket. We stood outside in the 30something degree weather for almost half an hour before we could go inside (fire trucks came and everything). I was a bit panicked because I couldn't see anything or feel my feet.
-I never know where I can pee in my dormitory. The third floor is for girls, the second is both sexes, and the first is boys. I spend most of my time in Adam and Robert's room, which is on the first floor. Whenever I have to pee I don't know where to go! Once I was tipsy and went to the bathroom in their hall but ended up seeing a naked guy who definitely did not expect to see a female emerge from the stall. This is a very pressing issue, especially since I drink in their room a lot, and that makes me have to pee, and walking up stairs is never a good idea in that state, either.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

welcome to the jaws of hell


I am sick of myself.

I hate the way I deal with things.

Perhaps the worst part of this is that I recognize the problem but cease to fix it.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

this phone tag game is endless, the novelty's wearing

Okay. Love life is back in swing.

It is raining.

Also, at 1:15 Laura and I are driving with two boys to Dallas to see The Decemberists. Just so everyone knows, that is at least a 6-hour drive. After the concert ends, we are driving back!

I will probably be going to bed around the time LBJ kids are getting up to go to school.

But it's THE DECEMBERISTS. My favorite!


Monday, October 23, 2006

love's the funeral of hearts

Just when college-related areas were starting to look up, my love life starts falling apart.

I haven't eaten alone for a few days.
I've been doing better in volleyball.
I got 90 on my Journeys essay.
I got an A on my Greek test.

And I am miserable.

Friday, October 20, 2006

my salvation lies in your love

I don't know what to be for Halloween. It seems as though all the girls are going to be skanky, and the guys will just be guys.

Where does that leave me?

Thursday, October 19, 2006

and the sky is a hazy shade of winter

It is 49 degrees outside! Also it is drizzling and grey. How beautiful and amazing. I wore my winter coat and a scarf. Laura makes fun of me because I am taking pictures of the cold, but I don't care. It's weather like this that makes me happy.

Bands for This Weather:
-The Juliana Theory
-Tegan and Sara

I had two volleyball games last night (while thunderstorms could be heard outside the Maybee Center). We won one and lost one, but I'm just glad my serves are improving, and I did an amazing block. Also I wore softball pads with black tye-died softball socks and green alligator boxers, so I looked ridiculous. That was half the fun.

Actually, it mostly wasn't fun because my team was purposely trying to not give the ball to me. I know they don't appreciate me much. Oh well.

We are reading the play Agamemnon by Aeschulus in Classical Mythology. It is about when Agamemnon comes home to Mycenae and Clytemnestra stabs him while he is in the bathtub. He deserved it.

Send me mail.

Monday, October 16, 2006

so let's find a bar so dark we forget who we are

Some important things:

1. It is grey, rainy, and chilly.
2. I am a "free agent" intramural volleyball player without kneepads.
3. Fall break is over.

What I want to do is compose a short story, but instead I will just go and think about my Journeys essay of doom that is due on Wednesday. I have a volleyball game tonight that I have to report to at 7:45 in a white shirt. I am nervous.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

it was the perfect crime

Laura had a dream that I told her Kim and I had fought again, and that I had stabbed her in the throat with a syringe (which I just spelled wrong).

I suppose that is a tad bit extreme, but seriously (seriously). There is now a new boy who frequents our room almost more than I do. Except now that I have resigned to becoming a recluse, I spend a lot more time in the room than I did when Joe was dating her. So now it is definitely a lot less okay.

Example: I was on the phone on Sunday night and they come in at about 11:45 and climb into her bed where they proceed to whisper to each other and kiss randomly until finally 1:30 or so when he leaves.

Yesterday I came into the room and he was lying on the bed alone, and she was not here. 'Cause that is not weird. Nope.

And today I come in from lunch, and there are a pair of boy shoes strewn over my rug.

MY RUG. That is my territory, my possession, MINE. Unacceptable.

Thank God I leave tomorrow because I do not think that I could deal with this for a week. Oh no. Although I guess it doesn't help that I am tired and stressed and have a lot to do today. And here I am ranting on my blog.

-goes to find syringe-

Thursday, October 05, 2006

let the poet cry himself to sleep

Ugh. My roomate is listening to her headphones but actually fucking humming to the music. As if I cannot hear her? I wish I couldn't.

I confess, I am in a bitter mood because today was pointless. I feel like I may as well not exist here. I went to one class and attended a very short presentation for extra credit in Greek, and I made flashcards for the new vocabulary. Woo?

I wrote Sagan and Fi letters.

No offense, but the rest of you shouldn't expect any mail soon because you all suck at writing me back. (Except Clara and Coco).

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger a little bit thicker a little bit harmful for me

I actually don't think I have the energy to describe Saturday night in all its glory. To summarize: my roomate came in about 3am with two guys (one who is drunk as hell) and let them spend the night without asking me as I pretended to be asleep. Then two of them woke up at about 9am and talked loudly and laughed loudly and the third awoke and they all made fun of me for a little while and then left FINALLY around 11 and I got up, pissed because I had, what, 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Not to mention boys slept in my room, in my space, on my rug, without my permission. I was so mad. What an amazing weekend, except NOT. I hope she leaves. Seriously.

I met with our RA two days ago after she requested a meeting to hear "my side" of things, since she had randomly already heard Kim's, and now today we are meeting with her together in 15 minutes. WHOOPIE.

I am the bad guy. Somehow, I am the bad guy. I'm rarely the bad guy. I am fucking harmless! ...Right? This is so frustrating.

Today is Ben's birthday. I sent him a mix CD.

When I come home in a week, I am bringing half my wardrobe, because honestly I am having a difficult time shoving things into my drawers. I can't wait to get home and sleep and take a shower and eat tacos and see my dog.

Monday, October 02, 2006

what we need is just what we want

You guys who called me are amazing. I'm sorry I didn't call any of you back--I just wanted to be unsad enough to sound more objective and not cry at you.

I will explain the rest of my weekend whenever I have time. It was pretty ridiculous.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

this isn't happening happening happening happening happening--it is

Well last night I exploded on my roomate. I started screaming at her while crying and cussing her out and she left the room and then I ran out crying while Laura and Lauren were still sitting in there. I walked around Conway after midnight weeping while on the phone with Austin. I was back in my room by 3am, and didn't see Kim until a couple of hours ago when she came in with her parents and ignored me (all three of them ignored me), except when she said, "Oh, Lauren, just so you know I am moving out whenever they find a room for me." I said okay.

I honestly do not like living with her at all, so it's no real loss. It is sad though. Ben got shifted around from host family to host family when he was in Spain, and the same thing is basically now happening to me. Figures.

But honestly. She leaves food out for a whole week and wonders why we have ants. She has the nerve to tell me to calm down on a regular basis, as if she fucking knows me. She is good at everything and throws it in my face constantly. She actually took one of my essays from me and proceeded to tell me how essays are supposed to be written. She talks to me when I am on the phone. She treats the room like it is hers, just hers. She kicks my friends out. She has people in the room on schoolnights at midnight without asking. She has the nerve to tell someone right in front of me that it is annoying that I talk on the phone with Austin every night, without ever having brought it up with me before. She talks down to me all the time, she uses my friends--Laura for her sewing machine.

After I blew up and ran away last night, no one called me to see if I was ok. I texted Laura about lunch this morning and she sent me a nice one saying she couldn't because of frisbee. Lauren never contacted me.

I don't know what the hell I am doing here. Maybe I will just study all the time and make good grades and then transfer to Lake Forest. Or just make really good grades and apply to an insane grad school. I guess I will just study all the time.

return, return, to the person that you were

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

things seem so much brighter on the other side

Well here is another Wednesday night that I am sitting in my room like a loser. Wednesdays are like Fridays here at Hendrix. Especially for me--my Thursday class is not until 2:45. Plenty of time to nurse a hangover if it were necessary.

Too bad I don't drink?

The highlight of my week thus far is the letter I received from Ms. Aguayo.

I went to the study abroad information session this evening and learned that I probably won't do the Hendrix at Oxford program. Because financial aid from Hendrix does not transfer over, just federal and state aid--aka only for people who rocked the FAFSA. Do those people even exist? I am beginning to wonder.

My alternative is Hendrix in London, which is FAR CHEAPER and probably easier to do, academically. I was very intrigued by an Athens program that involved intensive Classics study, but it is $18,000 for a semester, which is more costly than one entire year at Hendrix for me. $28,000 for a year, which is twice what it costs me to attend Hendrix for a year. So I don't think it will be possible to go to Athens, despite how AMAZING it sounds. I could design a Classics major and complete it. Seriously. UGH. I hate money, I hate the FAFSA, I hate the fact that even if Austin goes to Hendrix, he probably won't be able to go abroad with me, which will be even worse than going to seperate colleges. The Murphy Foundation of Literature here offers scholarships for Athens abroaders if they intend to take language/literature courses there, but if Austin went it would be for the Economics program, and there aren't any scholarships for that. And it would be selfish of me to drag him along in my Classics obsession. London. London.

I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not good at writing these days. I'm not good at anything except... what... ? I don't even know. I feel like the identity I worked so so so so hard to set in stone for myself before I got here is just slipping away against my will.

Saturday, September 23, 2006

Doesn't it scareyou, your will is not as strong as it used to be?

It's grey and raining and thundering and Conway is under a tornado watch. I get very tipsy off of severe weather. Wheeeeeee.

Laura and Lauren and I are supposed to go to Little Rock today to see The Last Kiss.

I am trying to think of interesting bits of my week to discuss, but I guess my week was not that interesting. Trey and I played Risk last night which was vaguely intense.

I hope the temperature does not go above 80 ever again.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

I'm just like you I know you know, I'm just like you so leave me alone

After returning from ACL Fest to my humble college abode, I found that Kim had broken up with Joe and that someone had left gum on my trunk.

Also, it was raining. My rain boots came in the mail, as well as my DVD of Grey's Anatomy, second season.

Today I have a midterm in Poetry... and haven't really studied. It's difficult to study for something that I am convinced I already know. But I have looked over all the poems and so far that seems sufficient.

Sometimes I don't understand things.

Like dreams, stubble, the postal service, time, my computer, and why my roomate has left a bowl of soup out for at least three days now.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

whatever you do, don't

I love being awake this early here, because when I go outside and to breakfast, it is actually chilly. The morning weather is indistinguishable from autumn.

At breakfast, Laura and I both got disco trays! These trays are leftover from the 70s, and are light green with gold splotches and glitter on them. Hendrix legend states that if you receive a disco tray (by chance--you can't look for one or steal someone else's), then you will have good luck that day. So far I would say it is working.

After class Laura and I (and Lauren, probably), are going to go shopping at Salvation Army for birthday presents for Ashley. While I'm at it I should get something for Trey as well (not movie theatre Trey, but Trey who is in my Journeys and Explorations classes).

I don't have to do any homework today. I come home tomorrow. Hendrix is so beautiful to me when I am about to leave.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

this phone tag game is endless and the novelty's wearing

I think the air conditioner in our room broke. I am sweating in boxers and a tank top, and the air is on as cold as it cans go--which usually puts it to sweatshirt, sweatpants, socks, and a hat type of temperature.

Today I realized that though I am thrilled to be coming home, I am academically screwed. For instance, I have a Poetry midterm on Monday, and in case everyone forgot, that is the class I mostly slept through until recently. I don't have all the poems I need to study and I did not take notes. I have a paper on academic integrity due on Tuesday. I have a huge Greek test on Friday that I am missing. Lord only knows when I will be able to make that up. So basically I have huge things in every class in the same cluster of days that I am NOT HERE and EXTREMELY BUSY. Go figure.

My roommate is coming down with something. I weigh 139. Those seem important somehow.

Today I had a gin and tonic and really liked it.

The new Decemberists album is amazing.

Clara, you need to start leaving your phone on, woman.

One more day!!

Sunday, September 10, 2006

the air is sacred here despite all your claims

If you can guess where my title is from without googling it, I will mail you a mix cd.

I am procrastinating like whoa. I have decided not to edit my Socrates essay very much, because a first-person anecdote is actually a good device, right? (Ms. Aguayo, if you are reading this like you said you might, you should probably email me and tell me I am wrong).

Laura and I are going to buy sticky stuff for our walls. I will then do homework instead of inestigating the cost of hotels and plane tickets for DisneyWorld and Chicago. Damnit.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

everyone knows I'm in over my head

Oh my lordddddd.

Ancient Greek is kicking my ass! Three Cs, one A. More quizzes, more tests. Always more quizzes and more tests. I am constantly needing to make more flashcards.

I can't talk about much besides class, because besides eating and watching Grey's Anatomy with Laura and Lauren, that is all I do.

Or mailing things. I mailed a huge thing today, and three considerably sized things yesterday, and another package tomorrow! As much as I am mailing, I deserve some mail in return. I'll get some when Amazon sends me my cds though.

We are finally reading The Odyssey in Classical Mythology. Now I will probably be able to stay awake more easily. Good news. Too bad the translation is kinda weird.


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

where my love lies waiting silently for me

One week and one day!

I feel bad about not returning phone calls promptly. It's just hard. It's hard for me to go from Ancient Greek to a phone conversation and back again. Even if I get to the conversation, I am terrified that I will be told about everything I am missing (as if xanga and facebook don't tell me enough), and I know I can't handle that. I know I am missing out on things at home, and missing Austin the person is hard enough without missing excursions to Barton Springs and the like.

I did all of my dorm shopping by myself.

And it just feels like no one really notices that I am gone. Robin went back and there were like Robin Parties, and a million facebook photo albums dedicated to her. I know none of that will happen when I come home, which just makes it harder for me to talk to anyone from there because I know they don't miss me as much as her. I tried to give everyone a going-away present for college, but no one except Coco and Austin have even written me letters. I knew that no one would I guess, since no one ever does, but I still hoped for mail.

All of that aside, I am struggling with my time management. Even as I type all of this I should be studying my Ancient Greek verb that there is a quiz on today, and making myself breakfast.

I think I am quitting Poetry in Motion so I can go get Amelia's other birthday presents today. Also the poetry deadline was yesterday and I didn't turn in anything, so I would have to be a dancer which is just a bad idea. I hope they don't have t-shirts or I will be sad that I quit. That's what I will do this year--be a huge advocate for club t-shirts.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

carve your number on my wall, maybe you will get a call from me

1. I really love Her Space Holiday
2. Laura, Lauren and I have found more thrift stores.
3. Hot tea is lovely in a freezing dorm.
4. These days I also like Ace of Base??
5. I am writing an essay about who Socrates really was, and all I can think of is some jerk who formed cliques,

Saturday, September 02, 2006

don't look back in anger, I heard you say

So I did the college drinking bit, finally. Ashley and Kim dolled me up in make-up and a blue shirt with a plunging neckline, and Ashley and I proceeded to find some kind of party. We got some beer from a guy who is in two of my classes (turns out he does cocaine? last time I go to his dorm room anyway). We retreived Blake and Booth from Couch where they were playing Risk, and then walked across the street to the "white house" and danced for a long while to 80s music. I guess I was tipsy. I talked to Kingsley for a while and Shea sort of started unbuttoning his shirt at me. That counts as recognition, right? The kid had probably had a lot of shots, though. There was a lot of whiskey that I did not partake in.

Earlier in the day, Lauren, Blake, Ashley and I played Scrabble. I won by one point! And I got 80 points in one turn with the word 'quick.' I rule.

Anyway, I promised that Blake was real, and so here are some pictures to prove it.

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Blake eating Lauren's hoodie string thing.

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Booth is the guy in the middle.

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Blake and Ashley singing My Humps during Scrabble.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

just to show you it's for real

I've been busy, in a way. Until tonight I have been extremely dilligent about my homework, especially in Ancient Greek. Tonight I had a venti chai latte (our union brews Starbucks coffee?!?!?!)and went with Lauren and her friend named Biff or Boff or something to Kroger's and bought supplies for rice krispie treats. We didn't make them though, and I instead had a long conversation with Austin on the phone and then made him... something. Something that took 3 hours, and the coffee has yet to wear off.

I confess.

At first I was getting insanely irritated with my roomate. I held her boyfriend against her, and was mad that she kept moving my pillows from my rug to my bed. Even now that sounds silly. I complained about her and Joe constantly to my other friends, but after yesterday I have completely come around. I was upset and couldn't help but cry, and she hugged me and told me a really personal story to help me out, and it did. Today we ate dinner together (with Joe), and talked for hours while she did her hair and I my Austin-Project. It's nice to not dislike her. I feel like life is getting easier with the people here. I have at least one concrete friend--the other Lauren. Blake (gay, remember?) hangs with us a lot and greets us, "Hey, Laurens." Ashley we see when we can, but she is across campus in the all-girls section (by across campus I mean maybe a 10 minute walk) so it is harder. I don't feel as alone as before.

I have club meetings this week on Thursday, and my Aonian (litmag) interview on the 5th at 4:45. Do I want to apply for an editorship in the yearbook? There are no normal staff positions (except photographers) available. I could take pictures, right?

Apparently we have to be elected to the Social Commitee, and I do not stand a chance. So that is unfortunate. I would have brought indie to Hendrix. Haha. Joking.

A band came from UCA this evening and they were great. I was in the perfect mood for an emotional singer/songwriter. I bought his CDs. Want a copy? Email me.

I lost about ten pounds between leaving home and last Thursday. Between Thursday and now I have gained five pounds. It's because I have succomb to snacks and the cafeteria's french fries. Must lose weight, rawr. Considering auditing the kickboxing class or joining the pick-up volleyball games every other evening or so.

Tomorrow I will walk to Walgreens and back, and then again on Thursday. This should help (monumentally). With my iPod or Blake and Lauren, this should not be TOO long a walk.

Home in almost two weeks!


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Lauren and Lauren! This is the cafeteria.

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Susanna is the girl who is not me. On Friday for whatever reason there was a candlelit dinner?

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Kim and I posing in front of our door. Note the dinosaur nametags.

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Lauren and Ashley in my room. We were "studying."

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Kim and her hated Calculus.

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Ashley stuffing her face with popcorn. Mmm.

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Some cute guy and the moosie I left in his safekeeping until... someday.

Next time: a picture of Blake, who does exist, I swear!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

look at all the lonely people

Campus is empty.
Laura and Lauren and I are going to go shopping at antique stores, I hope.
Shirt tails is tonight, and a band is playing.
Busy, tomorrow I need to study a lot of Greek.
I was feeling awful but Austin cheered me on the phone. Yay. Still wish my boyfriend were here, especially since my roomate has hers.

Friday, August 25, 2006

believing is art

Activities I signed up for:

College Republicans
Literary Magazine
Super Sober Society
Model United Nations
Student Congress
Philosophy Club
History Club


and I don't mind braving the coldest winter of our lives

I got a facebook message yesterday:

"Hi, Lauren. I've been spending some time this semester trying to pick out all of the good freshman, well, the bad too, but only so that I can avoid them.

Anyway, you caught my eye when I was reading in front of Couch today, and not in a creepy, I was ogling you, kind of way either. Just a genuine interest in meeting you. I would have come over and introduced myself, but being assertive isn't really my forte.

I would love if you would hang out with me and my friends sometime. I even live in a Front Street apartment, so we have couches and the like. Trying to fit a whole group of friends into a dorm room comfortably was always such a challenge.

Well, I'm just rambling now, so I'll spare you any more reading. Message me or something. Let's be friends."

That's interesting.

I have a friend whose name is also Lauren, and we are getting involved in something called Poetry in Motion. It combines poetry and dancing, and we are going to be writers/technical assistance. That should be nice, something to do.


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This is from Orientation. I'm on the bottom row, just about right in the middle. The girl in the hat next to me is Kelsey, who is also doing Poetry in Motion, and went to Westwood High School. Laura and Blake, the bloke I talked to for all of lunch about sonnets one time and have been hanging out with every day, are standing right behind me. The 4th girl on the top row is Stefani, who I sometimes eat with, and the girl to her right is Susanna, who I have two classes with. She is very nice and loves Star Wars.

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This is Laura and me on the us from Eureka Springs.

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A nice girl named Cassidy (in the blue tank top in the first picture) took this picture of me and Blake before the orientation pep rally. I am wearing Kelsey's coat because I was wet from playing in the rain outside and it was freezing inside. Blake is the bloke who is dancing on my right.

So you sort of have some pictures. Today I will try to take a couple of more.

Being away from Austin is hard, but I've decided that we will survive and people may eat their words about high school romances.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

I want something else to get me through this

I've got to got to got to got to got to get of here

I like my classes so far. Mostly. I like my Greek/Mythology teacher--he's a dork, like me. My Greek class is tiny, and I have a feeling I'm the most earnestly enthusiastic person in there. My Mythology class was full of lame people, and it really was full. Only one person in there besides me had ever read the Iliad, and there was this super-loud girl who I suspect is my peer mentor who never showed up for the meetings. She kept shouting things out in this horrible voice that was very self-assuredly BOOMING. She obviously thought we all REALLY needed to pay attention to her. Explorations is boring.

So, the problem here is not going to be the classes. I did my homework for Journeys in about an hour and a half. It consisted of reading Plato and taking notes to answer specific questions about philosophy. Yay.

But really, the people aren't the problem, either. Some people are great, and they are seriously interested in their academic pursuits. I spent an entire lunch discussing the differences between Shakespearean and Patrarchian sonnets with a gay guy named Blake. That part of the people here is great.

I guess the problem is me. I miss Austin (the person), and now that the upperclassmen are back there are a lot more couples. Oftentimes I feel inadequate. We were supposed to be learning a dance to perform on Saturday (we being the girls of my dormitory--Couch), but after the first serious rehearsal last night I quit. I hated it. Skinny girls in tiny shorts doing weird dance moves, led by this blonde whose UCA boyfriend kept coming in and staring at us. I hated it. I kept thinking that she was blonde and dumb and if we were challengers in a poetry contest, I would win. But I don't know if I actually would. I just think things like that to make myself feel better.

I need to do laundry soon. I'm a little scared of it.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I lied my face off when I said that I would be okay.

I'm sure you would all love to hear about my OR trip to Eureka Springs, but that's not really what I would "love" to tell you about.

(I feel like this blog may become an outlet for my complaints, and so I apologize ahead of time...)

The trip was fun, in a way. There were some neat people, but there were also some people who formed their own 'exclusive' group and that always irritates me. What, like I'm not hipster enough for you? Well sod off, I am hip to someone, somewhere, I hope.

One girl took three hours in the morning to do her hair and make-up. While we were in the wilderness. Seriously. She was one of the skinniest people I have ever seen, and everything she wore was Abercrombie, and she would not talk to anyone except the boy who was (I think) her boyfriend. She looked down her nose at all of us. And I couldn't stand it.

The wildlife preserve was awful. Too hot, and too long. The lions and tigers and panthers all began to look the same. We were on foot with no water and I was in boots.

Downtown Eureka Springs was nice. Laura and I could not find a thrift store, but we spent quite a while in an antique shop run by an old lady who kept giving us large discounts.

This morning we went swimming in a lake on our way back to college, and that was nice. I played frisbee with some people in the water. It rained on the 4 hour drive back.

I was awful lonely when we returned--it felt like everyone returned to their previous friends and I was left to fend for myself again. The other Lauren and me had a long two hour or so conversation outside at a table and that was nice. It was the first time that anyone here seemed genuinely interested in knowing anything about me.

Then I phoned my parents, and then Austin. A police officer walked into the Burrow while I was crying after I'd gotten off the phone, and was very polite and pretended not to notice. I walked back to my dorm, where Kim and Joe were asleep together on her bed and I took a shower. While I was drying off, a girl and a boy came into the restroom and the girl screamed at him for acting strangely while smoking pot. They were both drunk and stoned. He "only took two hits, baby," but it was enough to make her ask him over and over if he was healthy. His "eyes had been closed out on the fire escape and [he] hadn't responded to anyone." This, she screamed, "IS NOT COOL."

So now the hallway smells like pot (I thought that was what it was), and I came back into the room and they were still watching Breakfast at Tiffany's and now it is 1:18 and after crying in the Burrow and crying in the shower, I am ready to sleep.

Friday, August 18, 2006

I console myself that Hallmark cards are true. (I really do).

Well I went to Target yesterday with Laura and her roomate Elizabeth and that was probably the most fun I've had with people since arriving here. Also I have discovered that my roomate Kim and I have the tiniest room on campus. Everywhere I go, the rooms get larger. That's ok. I like my cozy corner.

Laura and I also explored and found the swimming pool. Once we find out when it is open, we will go there and swim laps. It was kind of weird, because we saw this little kid who must've been about 7 or 8 coming from the gym, and then when we went inside we found the pool but could not get in from anywhere. Creepy little kid.

Today we leave for our Orientation trips. Laura and I are both going to Eureka Springs, which has been labeled the fluff trip. Oh well. I would rather be on a fluff trip than get a reputation for freaking out on a canoeing trip because I thought I saw a shark.

We are going swimming and shopping. Also we are riding a cart through a wildlife preserve of large wild kitties. Like, you know, Hobbes in real life. Aka tigers and lions and I'll bring my Teddy Bear, oh my!

Last night my Teddy fell my bed and I almost screamed. Poor Teddy.

I bought envelopes at Target, so EXPECT MAIL. But only if I have your address.

I need addresses of the following:

Basically, if you read this and aren't Gerber, Megan, or Alex Fu-- email it to me.

In case I forgot to mention, my roomate has a boyfriend already. Yep. So that's... a lot of adjectives. I miss Austin.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

death of an interior decorator

My dorm looks like this.

it's only fear that keeps you locked up in here

I set up my schedule today.

semester 1

10:10-11am= 19th Century American Authors
11:10-12pm= Ancient Greek
12-1pm= break (lunch!)
1:10-2pm= Journeys

10:10-11am= Explorations
11:10-12pm= Ancient Greek
12-2:45= break (lunch!)
2:45pm-4pm= Classical Mythology

same as Monday

2:45pm-4pm= Classical Mythology

same as Monday

semester 2
8:10am-9= Ethics and Medicine
12:10-1= Ancient Greek
1:10-2= Plants and Human Affairs
2:10-3= Chaucer's Canterbury Tales

8:10-11= Plants and Human Affairs lab
12:10-1= Ancient Greek

same as Monday


same as Monday

I wanted to take Brit Lit During Modernism. The computer was weird and said it didn't exist next semester, but I am positive that it does. So I have it as an alternate course for Chaucer, but no one will ever take Chaucer, ever. Haha.

The thing is, I am not that excited about anything besides Ancient Greek, Classical Mythology, and Ethics and Medicine. This is all wrong for me, because these are not English classes. But Chaucer and any type of American Lit just do not sound appetizing to me. Also, the English teacher I need to get on the good side of is not teaching the classes I signed up for. Most of her classes were full.

Classes aside, I am lonely today.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

get your hands out of her hair

People here are already becoming couples. I can't believe/stand it.

My peer leaders told us about 'the dorm dick.' The senate representative from one of the boys' dorms walks around campus with a notebook and a camera and records things that end up being posted around campus--on the back of bathroom stalls. And it is tradition for them to have "hot freshman of the week." I reazlise this is all in fun and jest or whatever, but I don't think, knowing myself, that I can be good-natured about it and not get offended or feel ugly.

My roomate is lying in bed with a boy right now. Maybe it's all in friendliness. It might be. Probably is. But it still makes me feel like a total wallflower. (Because that doesn't happen often enough).

"Basically I'll become very acquainted with the library."

These are the words of Joseph (Joe), a friend of my roomate. His roomate is a scifi freak [of nature]. Eek. I am much better off.

I have been so busy. Not necessarily in a good way. We've done a lot of useless things that have been either in rooms that are way too cold, or outside, where it is more humid than in Austin (le gasp!). I can't wait to actually start taking classes and studying. I feel like Hermione (and I kinda like it).

I've met some people. It's hard for me to really start liking them and stuff, because I may never see them again. I mean, if they aren't English people we will never have classes together. And usually friends come from classes (remember?). I will use more details once I feel like I will actually get to know these people. I am trying not to get attached.

My orientation "adventure" is to go to Eureka Springs. We will be going swimming and shopping and to a wildcat preserve. I didn't pack any shorts, so I don't really know how I will manage this wilderness expedition. In skirts and band shirts. Woo.

A kid (he was definitely gay) told me yesterday that I am "scene." He was from Memphis. Maybe there "scene" is a synonym for "indie." Haha.

Tomorrow my schedule will be finalized and I will post it on here. I took the placement exam for French this morning and it seriously squeezed my brain. I couldn't remember stuff like the imperfect tense, so we'll see. Maybe I will give up French... but I like it so much... yargh?

Monday, August 14, 2006

and the oil fields shine


So here I am, in the hotel lobby in Conway. Oh shit, I move in at 8am.

By the way, this template isn't done yet. It looks fine on my laptop but I hear it is awful on desktops.

The drive took forever. The same amount of time as it takes to fly from New York City to Berlin. I mostly slept, and then read all of my favorite young teenager book, Bloomability. It made me excited about college because it involves 13 year olds at a boarding school in Switzerland. I can't wait to do similar things to what they did--minus skiing. Pretty sure it doesn't snow that much here.

I went to WalMart and Office Depot. I am stocked up with PopTarts and comp books. And my iPod is being updated to the crapload of music as stolen from Clara, Megan, and Stephen.


Except for one thing. Meeting new people.

I haven't really had to make new friends since... ever? I always met people through people. Kealing and LBJ were easy like that. Now the only people I know here are: Laura- new like me. And Kingsley=pothead. So... brand new surroundings.

And then there's the whole co-ed dormitory thing. Frightened. Very frightened. Please don't smell like summer camp. Then again, it is called Couch, so it may be worth it.