this isn't happening happening happening happening happening--it is

Well last night I exploded on my roomate. I started screaming at her while crying and cussing her out and she left the room and then I ran out crying while Laura and Lauren were still sitting in there. I walked around Conway after midnight weeping while on the phone with Austin. I was back in my room by 3am, and didn't see Kim until a couple of hours ago when she came in with her parents and ignored me (all three of them ignored me), except when she said, "Oh, Lauren, just so you know I am moving out whenever they find a room for me." I said okay.

I honestly do not like living with her at all, so it's no real loss. It is sad though. Ben got shifted around from host family to host family when he was in Spain, and the same thing is basically now happening to me. Figures.

But honestly. She leaves food out for a whole week and wonders why we have ants. She has the nerve to tell me to calm down on a regular basis, as if she fucking knows me. She is good at everything and throws it in my face constantly. She actually took one of my essays from me and proceeded to tell me how essays are supposed to be written. She talks to me when I am on the phone. She treats the room like it is hers, just hers. She kicks my friends out. She has people in the room on schoolnights at midnight without asking. She has the nerve to tell someone right in front of me that it is annoying that I talk on the phone with Austin every night, without ever having brought it up with me before. She talks down to me all the time, she uses my friends--Laura for her sewing machine.

After I blew up and ran away last night, no one called me to see if I was ok. I texted Laura about lunch this morning and she sent me a nice one saying she couldn't because of frisbee. Lauren never contacted me.

I don't know what the hell I am doing here. Maybe I will just study all the time and make good grades and then transfer to Lake Forest. Or just make really good grades and apply to an insane grad school. I guess I will just study all the time.

return, return, to the person that you were

things seem so much brighter on the other side

Well here is another Wednesday night that I am sitting in my room like a loser. Wednesdays are like Fridays here at Hendrix. Especially for me--my Thursday class is not until 2:45. Plenty of time to nurse a hangover if it were necessary.

Too bad I don't drink?

The highlight of my week thus far is the letter I received from Ms. Aguayo.

I went to the study abroad information session this evening and learned that I probably won't do the Hendrix at Oxford program. Because financial aid from Hendrix does not transfer over, just federal and state aid--aka only for people who rocked the FAFSA. Do those people even exist? I am beginning to wonder.

My alternative is Hendrix in London, which is FAR CHEAPER and probably easier to do, academically. I was very intrigued by an Athens program that involved intensive Classics study, but it is $18,000 for a semester, which is more costly than one entire year at Hendrix for me. $28,000 for a year, which is twice what it costs me to attend Hendrix for a year. So I don't think it will be possible to go to Athens, despite how AMAZING it sounds. I could design a Classics major and complete it. Seriously. UGH. I hate money, I hate the FAFSA, I hate the fact that even if Austin goes to Hendrix, he probably won't be able to go abroad with me, which will be even worse than going to seperate colleges. The Murphy Foundation of Literature here offers scholarships for Athens abroaders if they intend to take language/literature courses there, but if Austin went it would be for the Economics program, and there aren't any scholarships for that. And it would be selfish of me to drag him along in my Classics obsession. London. London.

I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not good at writing these days. I'm not good at anything except... what... ? I don't even know. I feel like the identity I worked so so so so hard to set in stone for myself before I got here is just slipping away against my will.

Doesn't it scareyou, your will is not as strong as it used to be?

It's grey and raining and thundering and Conway is under a tornado watch. I get very tipsy off of severe weather. Wheeeeeee.

Laura and Lauren and I are supposed to go to Little Rock today to see The Last Kiss.

I am trying to think of interesting bits of my week to discuss, but I guess my week was not that interesting. Trey and I played Risk last night which was vaguely intense.

I hope the temperature does not go above 80 ever again.

I'm just like you I know you know, I'm just like you so leave me alone

After returning from ACL Fest to my humble college abode, I found that Kim had broken up with Joe and that someone had left gum on my trunk.

Also, it was raining. My rain boots came in the mail, as well as my DVD of Grey's Anatomy, second season.

Today I have a midterm in Poetry... and haven't really studied. It's difficult to study for something that I am convinced I already know. But I have looked over all the poems and so far that seems sufficient.

Sometimes I don't understand things.

Like dreams, stubble, the postal service, time, my computer, and why my roomate has left a bowl of soup out for at least three days now.

whatever you do, don't

I love being awake this early here, because when I go outside and to breakfast, it is actually chilly. The morning weather is indistinguishable from autumn.

At breakfast, Laura and I both got disco trays! These trays are leftover from the 70s, and are light green with gold splotches and glitter on them. Hendrix legend states that if you receive a disco tray (by chance--you can't look for one or steal someone else's), then you will have good luck that day. So far I would say it is working.

After class Laura and I (and Lauren, probably), are going to go shopping at Salvation Army for birthday presents for Ashley. While I'm at it I should get something for Trey as well (not movie theatre Trey, but Trey who is in my Journeys and Explorations classes).

I don't have to do any homework today. I come home tomorrow. Hendrix is so beautiful to me when I am about to leave.

this phone tag game is endless and the novelty's wearing

I think the air conditioner in our room broke. I am sweating in boxers and a tank top, and the air is on as cold as it cans go--which usually puts it to sweatshirt, sweatpants, socks, and a hat type of temperature.

Today I realized that though I am thrilled to be coming home, I am academically screwed. For instance, I have a Poetry midterm on Monday, and in case everyone forgot, that is the class I mostly slept through until recently. I don't have all the poems I need to study and I did not take notes. I have a paper on academic integrity due on Tuesday. I have a huge Greek test on Friday that I am missing. Lord only knows when I will be able to make that up. So basically I have huge things in every class in the same cluster of days that I am NOT HERE and EXTREMELY BUSY. Go figure.

My roommate is coming down with something. I weigh 139. Those seem important somehow.


Today I had a gin and tonic and really liked it.

The new Decemberists album is amazing.

Clara, you need to start leaving your phone on, woman.

One more day!!

the air is sacred here despite all your claims

If you can guess where my title is from without googling it, I will mail you a mix cd.

I am procrastinating like whoa. I have decided not to edit my Socrates essay very much, because a first-person anecdote is actually a good device, right? (Ms. Aguayo, if you are reading this like you said you might, you should probably email me and tell me I am wrong).

Laura and I are going to buy sticky stuff for our walls. I will then do homework instead of inestigating the cost of hotels and plane tickets for DisneyWorld and Chicago. Damnit.

everyone knows I'm in over my head

Oh my lordddddd.

Ancient Greek is kicking my ass! Three Cs, one A. More quizzes, more tests. Always more quizzes and more tests. I am constantly needing to make more flashcards.

I can't talk about much besides class, because besides eating and watching Grey's Anatomy with Laura and Lauren, that is all I do.

Or mailing things. I mailed a huge thing today, and three considerably sized things yesterday, and another package tomorrow! As much as I am mailing, I deserve some mail in return. I'll get some when Amazon sends me my cds though.

We are finally reading The Odyssey in Classical Mythology. Now I will probably be able to stay awake more easily. Good news. Too bad the translation is kinda weird.

ONE WEEK.

where my love lies waiting silently for me

One week and one day!

I feel bad about not returning phone calls promptly. It's just hard. It's hard for me to go from Ancient Greek to a phone conversation and back again. Even if I get to the conversation, I am terrified that I will be told about everything I am missing (as if xanga and facebook don't tell me enough), and I know I can't handle that. I know I am missing out on things at home, and missing Austin the person is hard enough without missing excursions to Barton Springs and the like.

I did all of my dorm shopping by myself.

And it just feels like no one really notices that I am gone. Robin went back and there were like Robin Parties, and a million facebook photo albums dedicated to her. I know none of that will happen when I come home, which just makes it harder for me to talk to anyone from there because I know they don't miss me as much as her. I tried to give everyone a going-away present for college, but no one except Coco and Austin have even written me letters. I knew that no one would I guess, since no one ever does, but I still hoped for mail.

All of that aside, I am struggling with my time management. Even as I type all of this I should be studying my Ancient Greek verb that there is a quiz on today, and making myself breakfast.

I think I am quitting Poetry in Motion so I can go get Amelia's other birthday presents today. Also the poetry deadline was yesterday and I didn't turn in anything, so I would have to be a dancer which is just a bad idea. I hope they don't have t-shirts or I will be sad that I quit. That's what I will do this year--be a huge advocate for club t-shirts.

carve your number on my wall, maybe you will get a call from me

1. I really love Her Space Holiday
2. Laura, Lauren and I have found more thrift stores.
3. Hot tea is lovely in a freezing dorm.
4. These days I also like Ace of Base??
5. I am writing an essay about who Socrates really was, and all I can think of is some jerk who formed cliques,
6. HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY AMALIA.

don't look back in anger, I heard you say

So I did the college drinking bit, finally. Ashley and Kim dolled me up in make-up and a blue shirt with a plunging neckline, and Ashley and I proceeded to find some kind of party. We got some beer from a guy who is in two of my classes (turns out he does cocaine? last time I go to his dorm room anyway). We retreived Blake and Booth from Couch where they were playing Risk, and then walked across the street to the "white house" and danced for a long while to 80s music. I guess I was tipsy. I talked to Kingsley for a while and Shea sort of started unbuttoning his shirt at me. That counts as recognition, right? The kid had probably had a lot of shots, though. There was a lot of whiskey that I did not partake in.

Earlier in the day, Lauren, Blake, Ashley and I played Scrabble. I won by one point! And I got 80 points in one turn with the word 'quick.' I rule.

Anyway, I promised that Blake was real, and so here are some pictures to prove it.


Blake eating Lauren's hoodie string thing.


Booth is the guy in the middle.


Blake and Ashley singing My Humps during Scrabble.