Tuesday, December 30, 2008

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
really truly cook, trip on shrooms, take absinthe, have sex while others were in the room, cook naked, drink beer in the shower, a great number of things involving foreign travel and living in England

[2.] Did you keep all of last year's resolutions?
I doubt it as I probably resolved to lose weight, which I did but I gained it back.

[3.] Have you any resolutions for next year?

[4.] What countries did you visit?
England, Ireland, The Netherlands, Belgium, France, and Spain.

[5.] What would you like to have in 2009 that you didn't have in 2008?
some self-suffiency, less dependence on others, more of a sense of self-worth

[6.] What date in 2008 will remain etched in your memory?
December 4, the day I left London. I'm not big with dates, so I think I might also say I don't think I will ever forget that beach in Barcelona.

[7.] What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I'm not sure. Probably not getting disasterously lost/mugged in any of 6 foreign countries.

[8.]What was your biggest failure?
anything involving the opposite sex from September to December

[9.] Did you suffer any illness or injury?
I had either the stomach flu or food poisoning back in I think February and that was kind of awful. I told Gavin to bring me "the big knife" so I guess that means I would rather have died than been experiencing it. I also had a kind of epic cold from Thanksgiving until a little while after I returned from London.

[10.]What was the best thing you bought?
That's difficult. The red dress with white polka dots from the vintage store in Paris is up there because of the memories associated with it, although one could also say all the plane and train tickets I bought to other European countries were the best. Maybe even the shrooms in Amsterdam.

[11.] Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Probably my own, to be honest.

[12.] Where did most of your money go?
Pints of Guiness, Foster's, and Hoegaarden.

[13.] What did you get really really really excited about?
Ethnic food! The weekend my roommate went to Barcelona and I got to cook and eat naked--and yes, not alone.

[14.]What songs will always remind you of 2008?
Werewolf by cocorosie, both God of Wine and Motorcycle Drive By by Third Eye Blind, I'm Yours by Jason Mraz, Inherited Scars by Sage Francis

[15.] Compared to this time last year are you :
[A] Fatter or thinner? about the same
[B] Happier or sadder? just as confused as ever
[C] Richer or poorer? so much poorer

[17.] What do you wish you'd done less of?
crying for no reason

[18.] How will you be spending Christmas?
It was nothing special.

[19.] Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes, although that did not ultimately work out.

[20.] How many one night stands?

[21] What was your favourite TV show?
I got really into Reba.

[22.] Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

[23.] What was/were the best books you read?
To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf, She Came to Stay by Simone de Beauvoir

[24.] What was your greatest musical discovery?
My Brightest Diamond, Shearwater, and probably most notably Alex is instilling an appreciation of rap and hiphop in me.

[25.] What did you want and get?
A lot of sex. Seeing Okkervil River in London. Dresses in Paris.

[26.] What did you want and not get?
clarification, the joy of completing a short story, skinny

[27.] What was your favourite film this year?
I didn't see many new films this year, but I continued to watch The Darjeeling Limited constantly.

[28.] What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I turned 20, and drove with Gavin from Austin to Conway. Hollis had made me cupcakes which was the best surprise of the day.

[29.] What one thing would have made your year more satisfying?
if I had cried less when drunk, and handled things with Alex much better at the beginning

[30.] How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
cinch belts and high-waist skirts, or skinny jeans with cowboy boots

[31.] What kept you sane?
quite possibly sex.

[32.] Which celebrity did you fancy the most?
I remember telling Alex in a bar in Barcelona when the music video for "Make it Mine" came on the telly, "Jason Mraz is the epitome of my type of man." James McAvoy gets points from Becoming Jane.

[33.] Which political issue stirred you the most?
the economy sucking has sucked

[34.] Who did you miss?
Gavin, intensely.

[35.] Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned this year?
Chill out.

[36.] Quote a song lyric that sums up your year...
"How do I get back there to
The place where I fell asleep inside you?
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said

I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life
I want something else
I'm not listening when you say
--from Semi-Charmed Life by Third Eye Blind

Monday, December 29, 2008

I want to write an anthology of short stories called "These Things Happened."

I absolutely refuse to be the first to speak. He knows I'm on facebook, I know he's on facebook. He knows when I'm on facebook that I'm on skype. And three or four times this has led him to log onto skype and say something so random or irrelevant it's awkward. I know I'm thinking about it too much. If he wanted to talk to me, he would. I want to ask him to call me at midnight on New Year's. What purpose would that serve? Whenever I've even vaguely referenced anything leading back to our sentimental/sexual moments he's dodged them. It could be that the references were so vague that he didn't get them, but I tend to imagine the worst. I want to say "since you aren't doing anything on New Year's Eve I thought you could call me at midnight; after all, if we were in London you would be my midnight kiss."


He never sent me any postcards from Greece. What the hell should I expect? I thought I could maybe count on his friendship, since he answers my messages. But this is absurd. The moment we get back to Hendrix all I will know is an overwhelming disappointment.

and right now, I honestly truly believe that I think I wish I had never gone to stupid London or at least never shared that stupid bottle of wine that stupid first potluck night with previously mentioned stupid person and I definitely wish I had never gotten lost on Oxford St that night after Walkabout on Lily's birthday with him and MORE THAN ANYTHING I wish I had never stayed in the room with him that Saturday and gone out with everyone else and not stayed and not had sex and not fallen asleep and not kept doing it for months on end and I wish I had never cried or vomited or confessed or given that handjob or ANY OF IT particularly fall break and Barcelona and I HATE THAT RED DRESS with the white polka dots and I hate dinosaur ties and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and the word "sous-cheffy" and the phrase "so it goes" and I hate myself a lot right now too.

Friday, December 26, 2008

I spend a great deal of time at work, which is a little frustrating because I never have time to just sit at a coffeehouse and read. Yet I am making a decent amount of money, and I do enjoy talking to the ladies I work with. So much for writing about my daily life, eh? Alex and I have been sending messages back and forth ever since we left London, and today I realized I had nothing interesting to say about my day without going into unnecessary detail about a not particularly interesting job. Does anyone actually want to hear about the how clueless the north Austin store was and how cute this old lady was who kept trying on ugly jackets? No, not really. I spent all day in the fitting room though, in my black skinnies, surrounded by mirrors. So if I learned anything today, it was that I need to be hitting up the WAC quite a bit upon returning to Hendrix in, what, two weeks?

I think about that return more often than I should.

Each December I have ever experienced in college has been one where my position in life and with certain people was completely unclear to me. Now that Gavin and I are most certainly only going to be friends, I have no real base to begin from. I have no idea who I will spend my time with, who will want to see me on a regular basis and not just "every now and then" (the words I got from Gavin when I asked if we would still do our homework together and read each other interesting bits from our textbooks). Despite what I tell him, I'm still terrified that Alex is going to conveniently forget my existence when he gets back with his frisbee comrades. I sneakily get him to say that we will do things in January so that at least if he does abandon me, I can be self-righteous and smug and say that he lied, that he was breaking promises. It's either very immature or very clever, and I can't decide which. I don't know why I distrust him so. I trust everyone else from London to keep in touch, and that's silly because he's the one who writes to me every day! He responds to my messages without fail and I haven't gotten Zach to reply to my texts half the time... and yet I absolutely believe in Zach's friendship.

In reading She Came to Stay (by Simone de Beauvoir), I began to absolutely question myself. I question how I see myself, how others must see myself, what exactly "myself" even is. Sometime I wonder if I am doing things in layers. If I am consciously acting out a conscious version of what I pretend is my subconscious, if that even makes sense. Am I fooling myself into fooling myself? I don't know. My head hurts just thinking about it.

So it's a good thing I'm reading Invisible Monsters now, because it's well-written and not as deep, certainly not philosophical. I'm entertained mostly by the number of things I find that are obviously being referenced in Panic! at the Disco's song Time to Dance.

I need some serious New Year's resolutions, but the only ones I can really think of are

1. lose weight
2. save money
3. write more
4. stop being effected by every damn thing ever

And on that note, I am going to write or read now.
I am considering a revival, don't worry. More when I am not exhausted.