games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out

Ugh. If I didn't know what was happening last time I updated, I most certainly do know know now.

On Wednesday I drank over at Jared and Shannon's and got pretty drunk, I'd say. I don't remember going back into Shannon's room with him, but I did. And I don't remember what I said to start the conversation, but I do remember crying and I do remember him saying that he doesn't want a relationship, that he just can't (I think he said because he is a senior)be in one right now. I kept putting my cowboy boots on and he would look up at me from the bed and say, "Where are you going, Lauren?" "I don't know," I would reply, and then put them back down.

But somehow I spent the night. I skipped my two morning classes and we lay in bed. And for someone who had seemed to be rejecting me hours before, he was very sweet. He kept saying things. Let's list.

"You're so, so pretty."
"You are too cute, too cute for your own good."
"I love snuggling with you."
"Your skin is so smooth."
"Can we please just lay here forvever?"

On Friday we watched The Spanish Apartment together and played Taiko Drum Master before going to bed--together. It was as if nothing had changed, although now it was quite obvious that he wanted me on a sexual level, too. It's difficut to explain, but every now and then he would grab me tightly and my body would respond to press up against his and his hand would go briefly up the back of my shirt and almost desperately trace over my skin, his face buried in my neck. These moments tended to be short but pretty blatant in nature.

In the morning we held each other. We were allegedly going to be going camping with Jared and Anna and Kirby later, but we just lay there sweetly.

Then: "I don't think we can do this anymore."

"...Why?"

"I think you have an idea."

"I don't. So tell me."

"[beat] Jessica is supposed to be coming down for New Year's."

"..."

"And I... want her to."

"..."

Frankly I'm shocked, impressed, that I did not burst into tears. I just nodded. Repeatedly. As if I was not surprised... I suppose I wasn't?

"If you keep spending the night, Lauren, I... I have to hold you. I want to hold you. Obviously I like it when you stay with me. I just don't know if it's for the best."

How did I even find words? I will never know.

"Well... did you ever think, don't you think, that it says something, that you want that?"

"I want what is the best for us both."

?? What does that even mean? Silence ensued as my mind raced. Mostly it raced with lyrics, it raced with irony, and it raced with a desperate hope to find a loophole, anything.

Lyrics won.

"Okay, Shannon. That's... just give me one more night. We're supposed to go camping. Just give me tonight and then, then we'll just... have conversations I guess."

This all happened around 11:30. You would think he would kick me out of bed? Think again. At 1:00 we were still lying together. It was as if he was afraid to let me out of his bed, as if, if he stopped holding me, I would slip away and never return. Which is odd, you see, since he had told me hours before that that was exactly what he thought needed to happen.

When Jared assigned us a couple of tasks, we lingered still. Finally, Shannon asked, "Do you want to go camping or lay here for the rest of the day?"

This is not the sort of question a person who wishes to no longer lay with someone would ask.

"Can't we lay there, camping?"

"You're right." And he got up and took a shower.

Then we finished Jared's errands with time to spare. Coming back into the apartment, I said, "we could still be asleep."

"Yes." And he took my hand and led me back to bed where we instantaneously curled up together again as if this Jessica character had ceased to exist.

As if all of that is not confusing enough? Camping happened.

At first it made sense. He seemed to be spending most of his time with Jared, but then when we were setting up tents he claimed one as "ours" and helped me set it up. Sitting by the campfire he lay on a rock with his head in my lap. When Kirby and Jared and I smoked, he linked arms with me and gave me water when I coughed. We crept into our own tent later and changed clothes right in front of each other (he's pretty shy about this sort of thing, to the point of usually wearing jeans to bed when I am there-although this week he started wearing shorts). I had on two jackets over a t-shirt and a pair of his pajama pants. We curled up.

Now I am not going to lie. I had been wanting to have sex with him pretty much all week. More than my attraction to him, I think it would be liberating. Also, if I don't get to fall asleep with him anymore, I think I deserve it. So who knows, perhaps I was playing it up (but I was a tad stoned, so that seems highly unlikely). But it was getting hot in that tent beneath his comforter. I took off each jacket seperately, but the moment that I took off the last one and was just in a t-shirt and the pajama pants, it was like he sort of lunged for me. I mean, literally. I lay down and suddenly he was VERY MUCH THERE, grabbing me and turning me sort of so that those integral parts of our bodies were saying very intimate hellos to each other. He was no longer shy about lifting my shirt in the back to stroke my skin, and he was nuzzling my neck.

[to be con]

how can I confess when I know not what I am doing?

1. Austin broke up with me on 9/21.
2. He lets a petite redhead named Gina sleep in his bed, and they kiss and things.
3. I've been upset about it for over a month.
4. I lost so much weight I need new pants.
5. He said he might come back.
6. On Saturday he said he was holding her in bed and thinking only of me.
7. On Friday night I spent the night in Shannon's bed. There was kissing and touching. Drunk.
8. On Saturday I spent the night with Shannon again. Tipsy.
9. And on Sunday. Sober.
10. Shannon visisted a serious girlfriend over fall break, less than a month ago.
11. I don't know if they are still together.
12. Austin doesn't know where I've been sleeping.

And I, I don't know what I'm doing, although I think this is what college was sort of supposed to be about.

I liked sleeping in Shannon's bed, off-campus at the apartment he shares with Jared. I didn't care about the loud trains because I like how he holds me, I like how we talked for 6 hours in the dead of night and did not get sexual, I like how he kissed my cheek or my head or even my hand whenever he woke up before going back to sleep.

But I'm not going to lie, I also liked each time our bodies became entwined and he leaned down and began to kiss me. I like that I didn't feel sick (while drunk or sober), and that I wasn't imagining Austin, just how nice his fingertips felt on the back of my neck and that it would have been nice if he had unzipped my dress.

It hurts Blake, who had a thing for Shannon, that I spent the night, that something may be evolving between the two of us.

I don't know what's evolving. It's not about sex, and he hasn't tried to hide me. He came up behind me and put his arms around me while I did dishes at Hollis' apartment and last night we walked around campus at night to look at the trees and he slipped his arm around me.

Scene: Jared and Shannon's apartment.
[the sound of a train can be heard]
Jared: Kirbey said she was coming. I guess she got lost.
Shannon: Or run over by the train.
Me: I bet that was it.
Shannon: You should go save her, Jared.
Jared: I think Kirbey can handle it.
[Kirbey arrives 20 minutes later]
Jared: You didn't get hit by the train. Good.

---1 hour later---

[I realize I left the cheese in my dorm and run to campus to get it and back, getting trapped by another train going by]
[I text Jared: "I got run over by a train."]
[Arriving at the apartment complex, Shannon opens the door and waves]
Shannon: Did you get run over?
Jared: [sort of pulling me aside] Shannon actually peeked outside to see if you were.
Me: Oh, no, I managed to survive.

--2 hours later, I am leaving with Hollis to go back to campus and drive to UCA---

Me: I should be going.
Shannon: You're walking back? Do you have enough time?
Me: Unless I get hit by another train.
Shannon: NO! [He grabs me around the waist and holds on tightly].


So that was all today. I mean, he is not hiding his attraction, that's for damn sure. We certainly have a "thing." I just don't know what.

And then there's Austin. Who doesn't want me... at this time? But we spend some time together and he texts me each night before bed.

Like I said.
I don't know what I'm doing.