Wednesday, January 16, 2008

see, I'm a man with a plan to use my hands, i'm touching yours, you're the girl who wanted more

I don't feel like any of this is real.

What with a new apartment and new classes, the structure of Hendrix has greatly changed for me. The 'normality' and status quo dissolved. Also, having a new boyfriend only adds to the utter unfamiliarity of something that was once so tried and true, systematic if you will.

My classes are Screenwriting, Post-Modern and Contemporary American Lit, Literary Theory, and Sports, Leisure and Escape. Ah--and Bowling. Does that even count as a class? It's too early to know if I will enjoy these classes, but my Lit Theory professor already knows me and he looks like an indie rockstar, so at least there is that.

On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday I go to my sociology class and yawn through it before going back to my apartment for lunch and then to Lit Theory where I sit with Blake and Sam and also, bonus points, Shannon. Yesterday after class, Sam and Shannon and I went to the Murphy House and drank tea while talking. It was nice, although when Shannon and I had to walk back to College View without Sam it was more difficult. I find it hard to say anything to him because I can't say what I want to say, which is something along the lines of "excuse me, is there a reason we never had sex?" I imagine he is thinking something similarly awkward although not necessarily similar in subject.

On Tuesday and Thursday I go to Screenwriting in the art building off-campus and them come back to my apartment for lunch before going to Po-Mo American Lit with Joseph and, yes, Shannon. Then I have bowling--with Austin. It's pretty fuckin' great, let me tell you. A school of 1200 people and more than half of my classes are with the only two people besides my current boyfriend who have seen me in my skivvies.
Gavin has spent every night thus far. It's nice. Also a little strange. I mean the logistics of the situation are that I jumped headfirst into a relationship with him while still in a pseudo-mess with Shannon and here I am sleeping with him just a few doors down from said Shannon, and praying that our paths don't cross. So far, they haven't, not unless in a group (example: coming from the liquor store last night; Sam and Gavin and Hollis and I delivered Blake and Jared and Kirby's alcohol to them in #11 while Shannon and Blake watched a movie Shannon said he would call me to watch--which he did not).

Facebook message from Sam: "in fact, when i was over there tonight after you left, he was talking to blake, jared and i about gavin, and he sounded very jealous, & i was like, i think he seems like a very sweet and cool guy, and he is very good for lauren, & he was like, "i don't think he does anything for her!" in a drunken sullen way. he's basically a butt head"

God only knows. I mean I secretly I always wanted to be a bit of a Helen of Troy but this so is anti-climatic and nonconfrontational that it is just silly.

Pictures of the new apartment and our first tea party coming soon.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

can you teach me how to fight? show me how to give back pain.

I packed my things (dishes, new clothes, old clothes, records, and books)and we packed the car. I finished Christmas shopping for everyone--except Shannon. I don't know what the hell to give him. He gave me two books and wrote something nice on the inside cover of one of them, but that was before the break. Originally I wanted to get him something on vinyl but at the moment I am too pissed off.

I don't even really know what I am pissed off about, when it comes to him. Honestly I think I am just irked that I still don't know why we never progressed from falling asleep together and living together to anything else when in the end, once it was too late, it turned out he desired me after all.

I hate facebook. It's probably the bane of my existence. Naturally, I bring it on myself, however. Nobody forces me to look at the facebook of Gina. I just do it for fun. Honestly, it tends to be entertaining because she is clearly not as intelligent as I am and mispells words like "anatamy" and "independant." Also her wall was empty for most of the break, implying that she has no actual friends at Hendrix (which from what I've heard is basically the truth). However, because my intelligence level is [modestly] rather high, I manage to be 'sneaky like a freak' and see what she writes on the walls of others. Every now and then she will write on someone else's wall and reference Austin as her boyfriend. For instance, she wrote on his roommate's wall "when will I get to spend more time than you in your room again?" And clearly that question had nothing to do with Kerry and was made completely in order to be like "hey guess what guess what Austin is dating me and I sleep in his bed ooooo!"

I am trying to decipher what I feel about this. I think it may actually be bitterness that Austin has found such a poor replacement for me. Or, as I am sure you readers are all thinking, that he has found a replacement for me at all. That may have originally been the case, but let's be honest. I have a boyfriend now, and I am no hypocrite. It really is just Gina specifically I hate. This may have something to do with the fact that before he even broke up with me she bounced up to him and said "if you were single, I would date you." Who the fuck does that? It's against girl-code, and come on. It's pretty damn slutty. She must think God is smiling down upon her pale miniscule ass. After she said that phrase and less than a week later Austin dumped [the wittier, more intelligent, and even I, who find myself unattractive, will admit, better-looking] me. She probably thinks her words had an effect on him. Maybe they did. But he is not in love with her. In fact, despite having spent all his time with her from mid-September to Thanksgiving Break, he was not even infatuated with her. He liked her somewhat, but found her to be too pale and veiny, as well as full of herself and not very intellectual. He told me she did not make him happy, not even content. When asked what he liked about her, he said "it's easy," implying that she is not emotional. HA.

(Listen. I am totally emotional, but I am totally worth it. Asshole.)

But anyway, she is going to probably tell him she loves him, and he is going to be like "oh shit." And that'll be the end of that.

And meanwhile, I, who actually waited until I liked someone to date them instead of just letting some squinty-eyed redhead attach themselves to me, am happier than he. And she will soon realize that I'm pretty amazing, and there is no way that after me, someone could descend to falling in love with her.


You're right. I am bitter. I just can't help it, because she smirks at me whenever she sees me, and because I am quite sure she believes she has won. She hasn't. I just want to make that perfectly clear. So I mutter mean things when I am on her facebook and then blog about them. It's okay. I can do that. Because at least I am literate.

In other news, I'm going to Hut's later to eat dinner with my three Austin (TX) friends who are still here. I'm so hungry I may eat a meat burger instead of a veggie one, despite the fact that I find myself to be too fat. Next stop, size 6 I hope. Perhaps by my birthday. Once I get back to Hendrix I am no longer eating out, and I am no longer eating desert foods or fried foods or meat. Also I will start going to the WAC (the gym) Monday-Friday for two hours each day and drinking water all the time. Honestly, I can't stand looking like I look (this is absurd, because I went down a pant size already, two months ago). I need to be able to feel attractive, because that's my only weapon at this point. I'll probably see Shannon several times before Gavin gets back to Conway, and with my luck I will probably run into Austin and Gina, too. So I am going to feel like shit if I don't look good when I do.

I'm not shallow, I'm just honest.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

don't walk away then turn and say "I love you" anyway

I am making a resolution to update this regularly for friends who want to keep up. But I am warning you, it may have things like drinking and sex on it. I'll mark those entries with a rating, like movies!

This is rated R.

Let's update you:

Things never began to make sense. His ex, Jessica, came to Hendrix before Thanksgiving break--mostly because she was freaking out that I'd been sleeping in his bed. She flew in from D.C. She is actually insane. Anyway, after she left, things went back to 'normal' with Shannon, which means I was sleeping in his bed again and we were almost pointedly not having sex while somehow appearing to be in a relationship to the outside world. I started keeping a toothbrush in his bathroom, and instead of only staying on the weekends, I would rush to class in last night's clothes at 7:45 in the morning. I took showers over there and cooked and cleaned. I basically lived there, even writing papers on my laptop in his room.

But it was strange. We didn't kiss, not on the mouth. In heated moments he would grasp me to him and kiss my neck, reaching up the back of my shirt, or groping my ass. But no kisses.

I got fed up, and one night I even said it was too hot in the room and stripped into my underwear. He did not get the hint.

Before finals week, we spent entire days together, too, and rented a movie like a couple and held hands while we watched it.

This will come as a shock, as it certainly did for me. One of the freshman I am an Academic Peer Mentor for, Gavin, was also in my Existentialism class. Hollis and Lana (also a mentee in my Existentialism class) playfully suggested back in November that Gavin and I should hook up, because we both love indie rock. Haha, funny joke.

Yeah well, during finals week I was pulling an all-nighter while writing a paper on The Tempest and Gavin wrote on my facebook that he was awake, too, and obviously it was just a bad night for everyone. I invited him up to my room for tea. He came, and, both of us in pajamas (and at 3am) we drank tea and talked for an hour. No big deal, I think.

Ther next day we have an Existentialism paper to write. He asks me to be on his radio show about Radiohead's new album at 11pm and then to have tea again at 3, I agree.

Shannon and I walk around together and he hugs me goodbye before I leave him at the library. I tell him to call me after he's done for the night.

I go on Gavin's radio show, and Shannon calls while I'm there. I call Shannon back after the show, and the two of us talk on the phone for an hour. Then I work on my paper until Gavin calls around 3. I go down to his room.

Gavin and I talked for a good hour and fourty-five minutes before suddenly the power went out. We took our laptops to a classroom and worked on our papers there until 7am, when we drove to the cofeehouse down the street and worked on them there while eating breakfast.

I meet Shannon for lunch after turning in my paper and then collapse in his bed for a nap.

That night, our Existentialism class meets at the professor's house for a snack and review, our final being the next day. Gavin and I glance at each other surreptitiously all evening, and it is obvious to two people besides me, who, in the car on the way back to campus, say they were drawing hearts around our heads when we sat together on the couch.

I then spend the night with Shannon.

After lunch with Shannon I find a postcard from Gavin thumbtacked to my door that suggests we meet at the cofeehouse to study before the final. I meet him there and then we drive to the final together, and once we get the essay prompt, drive back to the cofeehouse and write our essays there before driving back and turning them in together.

The next day Gavin and I talk until 5am. Between 11pm and 5am we went from sitting apart on my bed to lying apart, to lying together, to snuggling slightly. When he mentioned having a final in the morning, I said he needed to go to sleep. "But I'm happy," he replied, and what could I say? I offered to let him stay the night. He did. We kissed, once, briefly, but it still prompted me to wonder what the hell was happening. In the morning he went to his final and I ran into Shannon on my way to find Hollis.

Shannon and I went to lunch. That evening he had a fight with Jared and I lost my chance to ask him if he was emotionally invested in me at all. Instead I invited Gavin over to Hollis' where a small gathering was happening, and we all drank. Shannon showed up for about 5 minutes, just long enough to see Gavin hug me from behind.

That night:


And then we went back to Gavin's room and I stayed the night and, yes. We had sex.

In the morning I had two texts from Shannon:
"can you come over? i want to talk"
"its now or never"

I did go over to Shannon's. He was hungover, lying on the couch. He pulled me in to lay with him.

"Did you sleep with him?" he asked.
"Would you care if I had?"
"Of course I'd care."

He said he was not mad, but very upset.

"Well maybe if you'd kiss me more so it didn't seem like an accident everytime it happened..."
"I'll be the first to admit I've been unfair to you."
"Yeah. You have. Because don't you know, if it came down to it, I'd choose you. I've wanted--"
"What did you want? Sex? A relationship?"
"Fuck, Shannon, I don't know--you!"

And then he started kissing me. We made out, there on the couch, me confused and not knowing what was going on. Who was stringing along whom? Shannon me, and me Gavin? I didn't even know. My head was spinning.

"Did you ever desire me on any level?" I asked.
"Of course I do!"

And he told me I'm beautiful, and that even before we had ever met he saw my picture and wanted to know me. He told me he'd been begging Blake to get me to hang out with the group after Austin left me. We snuggled, we kissed some more. But it still didn't make sense to me.

"I-- this is a bad time to ask this, maybe, but, what do you have to offer me?" I inquired.

After a long pause, he said, "I don't think I'm right for you."

That wasn't the question, but it was enough of an answer, especially when he also said Jessica was still coming down for New Year's. I made him lunch and brought him Advil anyway. He held my hand while he ate with the other hand. He kissed my cheek when we lay back down. I said I had to go write a paper. He kissed my hand.

"Thank you for coming over, Lauren."
"I'll always come when you call me, Shannon."
How fucking true.

That night I drank wine with Gavin and his roommate Tyler and Tyler's sort-of girlfriend named Lauren. I took the plunge.

"So when I go home can I tell people you're my boyfriend?"
"Of course. And can I tell people in Chicago that you're my girlfriend?"



We went to my room and he spent the night that night. I found out that the night before, I had taken his virginity. Oops?

But I have a boyfriend, named Gavin. And we talk almost every day either on AIM or on the phone.

Whatever happened with Shannon, you ask?
We parted with a hug after I found out I was living off campus with Hollis this semester. I'd been lying in bed with him, holding his hand, when she called me to tell me.
But over the break we only messaged each other once.
Jessica did visit him over New Year's. I know because the pictures are on facebook. And in one of them, I can see my toothbrush still sitting in his bathroom. Go figure.

And what about Austin?

He and Gina are dating officially. When i first found out at the beginning of December I screamed and ran and ran and sobbed and sobbed. At this point, however, I've seen them together and I've seen Gavin and me together. Gina likes Austin much more than he likes her, and he has obviously gotten in over his head and regrets it a bit. I am happier than he is, which I think he resents a bit. But we're friends, we've got a class together this semester, and my goal is to hang out with him and Gina. I want to know her. Why? To judge her, really, but also to prove that I can. To prove that I am bigger than this and stronger and anyway--I am happier.

So that sums everything up I think.