Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Father McKenzie, writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear. No one comes near.

Sorry! I guess I haven't updated in a while, but I guess I thought people stopped reading this! Well, Fi did not. I dedicate this act of my updating to Fi.

I didn't go to winter formal, and opted to stay in my room reading the story (Beatles fanfic) instead. That may sound lame to you, but I was just not looking forward to hip-hop and people grinding when I had no one to dance with. It would have taken some alcohol to make that a joyful experience, and when that is the case it is best to just not go.

Anna and I decided to take an hour each week and do a radio show. It is called Po-Mo Tea Party, and really it is just going to be us listening to indie-rock, and maybe talking about it. Maybe also other indie things like web comics, shows, and The Science of Sleep.

This is Anna:
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Thia is me:
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Anyway, Anna and I have been hanging out a lot. We stole each other's music on Saturday and we go to the library regularly to steal their music, too. (Why does the Conway public library have indie music and good movies? Just a thought.)

Besides the radio show, I also emailed the softball coach yesterday about maybe playing next season, and she got really excited and begged me to call her so I did and it turns out they really need some players NOW (as in, THIS FRIDAY)--especially a first baseman-- and so I am meeting with her today to discuss maybe joining the team? I was so excited about this prospect that it took me ages to fall asleep.

Meanwhile, there is also Bonnaroo. I downloaded a lot of music by Bonnaroo artists, and right now my favorites are:
-The Hold Steady
-Lily Allen (reminds me of a female, British Mat Kearney)
-Cold War Kids (also seeing them with Anna in Little Rock after spring break)
-Apollo Sunshine

I like everyone I downloaded so far (except Girl Talk), and seriously how could I pass up Damien Rice, The Decemberists, and Franz Ferdinand in the same place? (And The National, Wilco, The Police, etc etc etc).

Also I have classes. My Ethics professor keeps calling me a communist because of those newsie hats I wear ("Are you reading The Communist Manifesto?" "No, Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster." "That's communist, too!"). My Chaucer professor likes the sound of her own voice too much (to the point of turning a discussion class into a boring lecture) and I have yet to learn anything that Ms. Jeffery didn't already teach us in 10th grade (I miss her). I never pay attention in that class and I was still the only person to get an A on our in-class essay exam.

So that about sums it up for now. I am really satisfied with my social life here, and mostly with my academics, it's just that sometimes I feel like there just isn't enough time. Also I wish I could go to more shows (The Shins, Ratatat, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah).

Monday, February 05, 2007

when the dog slides underneath a train, there's no cry, no use to searching for what mutts remain

School is stressing me out. When I say that, I mean it in the most oh-holy-shit-I-can't-handle-this way possible.

My Ethics and Medicine class' grading system is terrifying. I am under the impression that if I don't get 100s on every assignment, I will end up at a C in the class because there are only 100 points possible for the whole class, and everything is worth some points. So, you fail a quiz, that's 3 points off your final average. Then you do so/so on a chapter summary, that's 1 point off. It adds up quickly. Also I haven't gotten any assignments back yet, so I have NO IDEA how I am doing, which is killing me and making me work monumentally harder because I have to assume the worst. Also, it is an ethics class. I am reading essays and participating in discussions that challenge my views on abortion, selling human organs, marriage, feminism and God only knows what else (religion), and I am starting to lose track of who I am. If that sounds like an exaggeration to you, please believe me when I say it isn't. I really am losing myself out here.

Ancient Greek is the most difficult language to learn. And it's a dead one. When it was my only real class that required work last semester, that was fine. I had all the time in the world to study extracurricularly, days before quizzes and weeks before tests. And I did. For fun, even. I made flashcards and practiced them with Austin over the phone every night, and did my translations the day before they were due. But I have three other very real classes this semester. And now we have a quiz every Tuesday and a test every Wednesday, and long, difficult translations in between. I do not have the time to study days in advance anymore. I make flashcards the morning of the vocab quizzes, I memorize verb forms instead of eating lunch on Wednesdays. I've stopped trying to make sense of the passages because it's so difficult I burst into tears, and have started just translating word for word, the verb in whatever tense I feel like, without changing the word order at all. As in: "quickly running was clever the Persians ordered Xerxes by hills through ocean." Obviously that's not right, but I can't take the time and painstaking effort to recognize obscure verb and noun forms, or tell the difference between participles or infinitives--a lot of times they both end in the letter that makes the "n" noise! On Friday I got all my translated sentences wrong because I fucked up the word order even though I thought they were right. I freaked out and started tearing up during class and afterwards ran to the bathroom and cried for 15 minutes.

My Plants and Human Affairs class is mostly tedious. Read a boring chapter, take notes. Come to class, take lecture notes on something we read about over a week earlier. The professor goes on tangents--write Three Musketeers fanfiction. Then we had our first quiz and it was not on what she said it would be. Oh fuck. Then she misses two out of three classes last week due to her daughters being sick and the snow, and says, here, do this review for the quiz grade you would've earned on Friday. A quiz is about ten fill in the blank questions long with 2 bonuses, so I don't look at the review till Sunday afternoon before my litmag meeting and it is 4 pages long, covering shit we have not read yet, and each question is about 5 questions in itself; "define this" "discuss this" "explain how this" "summarize this" "draw label and define this" ETC ETC. If you know me well, you know I freak out when asked to draw something. In 7th grade I was asked to draw the crawfish I had dissected and I told her I couldn't draw. She thought I meant I didn't want to, but really I just couldn't. I burst into tears and refused to draw it. That is how I am with drawing. It gives me nervous breakdowns when I am forced to do it for a grade. So this review asks me to draw something at least three times per four pages, and I am totally losing it. I just can't handle it. This is not a good sign of things to come.

Then there is Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, which is no work at all at this time. Read like two pages for homework. Listen to professor drone on and on during class--maybe get called on to read in Middle English. Middle English--that's the thing. I did not sign up for a foreign language. I signed up for literature. So a fifth of my grade being based on proper pronunciation (did I mention she doesn't even follow the "rules" of the pronunciation) is just crazy. Whenever I go in the room I get nervous that I will pronounce "lippes" wrong or something and then fail the class as a result.

Not to mention that I am up at 7am 4 out of 5 week days. I am short on sleep, on time, on patience, on sanity, on anything. I am hanging by a thread.

So, I am sorry if I am short with anyone. I am constantly in a terrified for my future, if I don't do well I am probably going to explode, everyone is out to get me, and oh by the way I am in an ethics class that is making me wonder who the hell I am and lose my identity... type of mood. I am freaked out, stressed out, bursting into tears randomly and inconsolably.

Of course, add to this all of the scary social aspects of college and having a long distance relationship, and I feel like I am really just screwed.

Oh, won't you do me the favor, man,
Of a giving mind,
A polymorphing opinion here,
And your vague outline,

I'll find myself another burning gate,
A pretty face, a vague idea I can't relate,
And this is get what you get for pulling pins,
Out of the hole,
Inside the hole you're in,

It's like I'm pressed on the handle bars,
Of a blind man's bike,
No straws to grab, just the rushing wind,
On the rolling mind.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

everybody cares, everybody understands

Well I don't know. My classes are extremely difficult and it is taking all the time I have just to do my homework and get enough sleep to function during the day. Actually, I take that back. All my classes besides Plants and Human Affairs are difficult. That class is just tedious and has a lot of tedious work to go with it. Also it could turn difficult at any moment, which makes it harder than if it were actually hard.

Hollis and I have become fast friends. I have also become friends with her friends (who are all homosexual, seriously). In addition I've been spending time with Booth's friends who live in the Front Street apartments across the street from campus (who aren't all homosexual). Lauren and Laura are still their own little group that I wish I could be in, but c'est la vie.

I'm still too unattractive, but maybe if I keep reading books it will be okay.

It snowed today, a lot. More than I've ever seen it actually snow in my whole life. I would post pictures but I guess everyone has a facebook now, don't they?