tell me is this fair

I guess I ought to update this more often, but it never crosses my mind.

All of my club activites are done (by "all" I mean lit-mag). We register for classes this week and I am thinking of this:

Sem One
Jane Austen
Readings in Ancient Greek Literature
Literary Analysis
Plato and Aristotle

Sem Two
Metaphysics
Post Modern and Contemporary American Literature
Screenwriting
Sports, Leisure, Escape

The Jane Austen course is a senior seminar and will be next to impossible for me to get into. I know the professor, and I think she finds me intelligent and a good writer, but that won't matter when it comes down to seniors needing their seminar credits and me only being a sophomore whose major is not yet officially declared (I mean obviously we all know I am an English major and have been since I was 5, but it is not on my transcript yet). Hendrix has a bid-point system, and you collect bid-points by taking classes. You can bid your bid-points to get into a class, but I have so few that unless no one else bids at all, I won't get in off of those. This seminar won't be repeated while I am still at Hendrix, either.

So tomorrow morning I find out which classes I am taking for real, when I talk to my asshole advisor in the art department. I emailed him to ask if there was a specific time I should come by and he replied with

"There is a sign-up sheet on my office door..."

As if I am in the Art Building every day of my life? How was I supposed to know that? And anyway, the Art Building is not even on campus really, so he could have jusr saved me an extra trip and told me when he was available. He was sitting right by the list. What an asshole. If he tries to put me in Calculus again I will scream.

Classes really are all I am concerned with right now. Excited and terrified. Sophomores get screwed all the time at Hendrix, and with the shitty freshman year I had academically, that is the last thing that needs to happen.

But Anna and Katie and Hollis and Leah and I are going to Hot Springs this weekend, so that is something to look forward to. Less than a month of classes left, too, and I think only half of my finals will be difficult.

Then I come home!
And see Ben Gibbard, and Voxtrot, and BONNAROO.

It is skirt weather, too. (Aka hard to do work.)

Father McKenzie, writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear. No one comes near.

Sorry! I guess I haven't updated in a while, but I guess I thought people stopped reading this! Well, Fi did not. I dedicate this act of my updating to Fi.

I didn't go to winter formal, and opted to stay in my room reading the story (Beatles fanfic) instead. That may sound lame to you, but I was just not looking forward to hip-hop and people grinding when I had no one to dance with. It would have taken some alcohol to make that a joyful experience, and when that is the case it is best to just not go.

Anna and I decided to take an hour each week and do a radio show. It is called Po-Mo Tea Party, and really it is just going to be us listening to indie-rock, and maybe talking about it. Maybe also other indie things like web comics, shows, and The Science of Sleep.

This is Anna:



Thia is me:


Anyway, Anna and I have been hanging out a lot. We stole each other's music on Saturday and we go to the library regularly to steal their music, too. (Why does the Conway public library have indie music and good movies? Just a thought.)

Besides the radio show, I also emailed the softball coach yesterday about maybe playing next season, and she got really excited and begged me to call her so I did and it turns out they really need some players NOW (as in, THIS FRIDAY)--especially a first baseman-- and so I am meeting with her today to discuss maybe joining the team? I was so excited about this prospect that it took me ages to fall asleep.

Meanwhile, there is also Bonnaroo. I downloaded a lot of music by Bonnaroo artists, and right now my favorites are:
-The Hold Steady
-Lily Allen (reminds me of a female, British Mat Kearney)
-Cold War Kids (also seeing them with Anna in Little Rock after spring break)
-Apollo Sunshine

I like everyone I downloaded so far (except Girl Talk), and seriously how could I pass up Damien Rice, The Decemberists, and Franz Ferdinand in the same place? (And The National, Wilco, The Police, etc etc etc).

Also I have classes. My Ethics professor keeps calling me a communist because of those newsie hats I wear ("Are you reading The Communist Manifesto?" "No, Aspects of the Novel by E.M. Forster." "That's communist, too!"). My Chaucer professor likes the sound of her own voice too much (to the point of turning a discussion class into a boring lecture) and I have yet to learn anything that Ms. Jeffery didn't already teach us in 10th grade (I miss her). I never pay attention in that class and I was still the only person to get an A on our in-class essay exam.

So that about sums it up for now. I am really satisfied with my social life here, and mostly with my academics, it's just that sometimes I feel like there just isn't enough time. Also I wish I could go to more shows (The Shins, Ratatat, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah).

when the dog slides underneath a train, there's no cry, no use to searching for what mutts remain

School is stressing me out. When I say that, I mean it in the most oh-holy-shit-I-can't-handle-this way possible.

My Ethics and Medicine class' grading system is terrifying. I am under the impression that if I don't get 100s on every assignment, I will end up at a C in the class because there are only 100 points possible for the whole class, and everything is worth some points. So, you fail a quiz, that's 3 points off your final average. Then you do so/so on a chapter summary, that's 1 point off. It adds up quickly. Also I haven't gotten any assignments back yet, so I have NO IDEA how I am doing, which is killing me and making me work monumentally harder because I have to assume the worst. Also, it is an ethics class. I am reading essays and participating in discussions that challenge my views on abortion, selling human organs, marriage, feminism and God only knows what else (religion), and I am starting to lose track of who I am. If that sounds like an exaggeration to you, please believe me when I say it isn't. I really am losing myself out here.

Ancient Greek is the most difficult language to learn. And it's a dead one. When it was my only real class that required work last semester, that was fine. I had all the time in the world to study extracurricularly, days before quizzes and weeks before tests. And I did. For fun, even. I made flashcards and practiced them with Austin over the phone every night, and did my translations the day before they were due. But I have three other very real classes this semester. And now we have a quiz every Tuesday and a test every Wednesday, and long, difficult translations in between. I do not have the time to study days in advance anymore. I make flashcards the morning of the vocab quizzes, I memorize verb forms instead of eating lunch on Wednesdays. I've stopped trying to make sense of the passages because it's so difficult I burst into tears, and have started just translating word for word, the verb in whatever tense I feel like, without changing the word order at all. As in: "quickly running was clever the Persians ordered Xerxes by hills through ocean." Obviously that's not right, but I can't take the time and painstaking effort to recognize obscure verb and noun forms, or tell the difference between participles or infinitives--a lot of times they both end in the letter that makes the "n" noise! On Friday I got all my translated sentences wrong because I fucked up the word order even though I thought they were right. I freaked out and started tearing up during class and afterwards ran to the bathroom and cried for 15 minutes.

My Plants and Human Affairs class is mostly tedious. Read a boring chapter, take notes. Come to class, take lecture notes on something we read about over a week earlier. The professor goes on tangents--write Three Musketeers fanfiction. Then we had our first quiz and it was not on what she said it would be. Oh fuck. Then she misses two out of three classes last week due to her daughters being sick and the snow, and says, here, do this review for the quiz grade you would've earned on Friday. A quiz is about ten fill in the blank questions long with 2 bonuses, so I don't look at the review till Sunday afternoon before my litmag meeting and it is 4 pages long, covering shit we have not read yet, and each question is about 5 questions in itself; "define this" "discuss this" "explain how this" "summarize this" "draw label and define this" ETC ETC. If you know me well, you know I freak out when asked to draw something. In 7th grade I was asked to draw the crawfish I had dissected and I told her I couldn't draw. She thought I meant I didn't want to, but really I just couldn't. I burst into tears and refused to draw it. That is how I am with drawing. It gives me nervous breakdowns when I am forced to do it for a grade. So this review asks me to draw something at least three times per four pages, and I am totally losing it. I just can't handle it. This is not a good sign of things to come.

Then there is Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, which is no work at all at this time. Read like two pages for homework. Listen to professor drone on and on during class--maybe get called on to read in Middle English. Middle English--that's the thing. I did not sign up for a foreign language. I signed up for literature. So a fifth of my grade being based on proper pronunciation (did I mention she doesn't even follow the "rules" of the pronunciation) is just crazy. Whenever I go in the room I get nervous that I will pronounce "lippes" wrong or something and then fail the class as a result.

Not to mention that I am up at 7am 4 out of 5 week days. I am short on sleep, on time, on patience, on sanity, on anything. I am hanging by a thread.

So, I am sorry if I am short with anyone. I am constantly in a terrified for my future, if I don't do well I am probably going to explode, everyone is out to get me, and oh by the way I am in an ethics class that is making me wonder who the hell I am and lose my identity... type of mood. I am freaked out, stressed out, bursting into tears randomly and inconsolably.

Of course, add to this all of the scary social aspects of college and having a long distance relationship, and I feel like I am really just screwed.

Oh, won't you do me the favor, man,
Of a giving mind,
A polymorphing opinion here,
And your vague outline,

I'll find myself another burning gate,
A pretty face, a vague idea I can't relate,
And this is get what you get for pulling pins,
Out of the hole,
Inside the hole you're in,

It's like I'm pressed on the handle bars,
Of a blind man's bike,
No straws to grab, just the rushing wind,
On the rolling mind.

everybody cares, everybody understands

Well I don't know. My classes are extremely difficult and it is taking all the time I have just to do my homework and get enough sleep to function during the day. Actually, I take that back. All my classes besides Plants and Human Affairs are difficult. That class is just tedious and has a lot of tedious work to go with it. Also it could turn difficult at any moment, which makes it harder than if it were actually hard.

Hollis and I have become fast friends. I have also become friends with her friends (who are all homosexual, seriously). In addition I've been spending time with Booth's friends who live in the Front Street apartments across the street from campus (who aren't all homosexual). Lauren and Laura are still their own little group that I wish I could be in, but c'est la vie.

I'm still too unattractive, but maybe if I keep reading books it will be okay.

It snowed today, a lot. More than I've ever seen it actually snow in my whole life. I would post pictures but I guess everyone has a facebook now, don't they?

january brings april showers

It is so cold. We have ice, but since campus is only a block long and everyone lives so close to (if not on) it, classes have not been cancelled. I have an 8:10 class and I didn't think I would survive the walk there, it was so cold. How do people keep warm? I should just buy a bodysuit.

So I have a new roommate. Her name is Hollis and I like her a lot. She's a sophomore, and a bit of a hippie, also a lesbian. She is super-friendly, and we have a similar taste in music and people. (As in, the people she wants to get to know are the same people I wished to befriend last semester).

Things seem to be looking up. On Friday I'm going to Memphis with Laura, Lauren, Blake, and a guy named Sean to see Of Montreal and eat bbq. On Saturday Hollis and I are having an underwear tea party where you must be wearing some type of underwear visibly (over pants or whatnot is acceptable) to be admitted. We're thinking about moving the furniture around if it's possible.

There are distinct opportunities, I think. Cause enough to be optimistic, at least.

time is marching on, and time, is still marching on

I walked to Wal-Mart and bought groceries. Because Conway has no sidewalks, I also turned my black Converse into mud clomps.

The rumor from the first floor RA of Couch who was in my Classical Mythology class last semester is that my new roomate will be moving in tomorrow and that she is a sophomore. Adam told me she is a crazy hippie, though a nice one.

I am nearly done with The Vicomte de Braggelone. My list of books to read remains long, but I am progressing through it quickly, which delights me. Naturally, I haven't read a contemporary novel since Juno and Juliet.

There is a litmag meeting tonight, and I begin class tomorrow. I took a shower this morning and found it is still uncomfortable to wear flip flops while bathing. I am still at war with the air conditioning unit, as well. No sooner do I begin to sweat and turn off the heat that I begin to shiver uncontrollably.

I'm not really glad to be back at all.

"Yes" is my favorite answer.

It's official. I am back at Hendrix. (This is made official by my using the restroom next to my dorm room.)

Kim, my [pseudo-evil, at times] roomate, moved out. She's gone! And I have no idea if they will stick someone else in her place here, but at least for tonight I have the room to myself! This means I can talk to Austin on the phone however late I want, and listen to music when I go to sleep. Yessss.

It is raining like crazy here in Conway, and campus is underwater. That's ok--I like rain.

At dinner I ate a salad without dressing. I feel like that deserves a five pound reduction of my fat immediately.

homesick 'cause I no longer know where home is

I love The Kings of Convenience. Let me just say that for the past month I don't think I've really listened to anybody else besides them and The Decemberists, who we already know I love a lot.

I feel like everyone else is having these epiphanies or actual experiences in college, and I am not. Both Stephen and Megan have changed their ideas of what they want to do with their lives, and Alex has been questioning hers. Clara has her own radio show. I just can't think of anything romantic that came out of my semester, and because I expect nothing different, I am extremely reluctant to return on the 14th.

I don't want to return to roomate problems and public restrooms and no letters and awkward phone calls. I especially don't want to return to those things without having done so many of the things I wanted to over the break. Where is Amelia? Or Mary or Paul? I barely saw Amalia. I have hardly spent time with Robert and Alex and Stephen. I hope I see Ariane and Lily. From what I've heard I probably won't see Coco, and she's changed so much I may not want to.

I wish Hendrix and Southwestern or St. Edward's would magically switch. I hate not being in Austin but I know I would hate being at UT even more.

Now I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness.

Well I guess I am more calm now (too calm--I've been reading old blogs instead of working on my Myth paper).

I have a playlist going right now that is mostly composed of Aqualung, The National, some Guster, some John Mayer, and Snow Patrol. It is a cold weather mix but also a "you are mature, now do what you need to do" mix.

Finals make me nervous, and old blogs make me nostalgic.

You can't forget the people from your past, because they really did have a hand in making you into who you are today.

December always makes me very think about Ben, probably because of the UT debate tournament being the first weekend of the month. It was also the month when I begged him to take me back during our sophomore year but he refused. Who knows.

The Rent musical soundtrack has a very wintery feeling to it because I would drive to work at the theater while listening to it every evening. And because I was getting trained in projection this time last year and getting out very late, the cold always caught me with my windows rolled down singing along to Happy New Year or Goodbye Love.

I guess December also reminds me a lot of the movie theater and the people from it. I was looking through facebook pictures the other day and found myself irritated by what I saw.

In the end it's always hard to decide what you should remember and what you really need to let go of.

Anyway, it is time to actually work on my paper.

I wanna hear what you have to say about me,
hear if you're gonna live without me.
I wanna hear what you want--
I remember December.
I wanna hear what you have to say about me,
hear if you're gonna live without me.
I wanna hear what you want--
what the hell do you want?

who will be the one to marry me?

RAR.

No you may NOT hit my arm with a hammer, it actually HURTS. No you may NOT lay with your head on my CHEST. Yes, I AM leaving your room now, because I don't like being alone with you.

NO you are NOT funny, I am just laughing because I am LONELY. Don't FLATTER yourself.

No I do NOT have anything else to say because my days are DULL and spent in FANTASY WORLDS. And no, I'm not wrong. You will be the way you've always been--I've changed and you have NOT.

No your boyfriend may NOT spend the night because he SNORES and it PISSES ME OFF and can you act for one second that I LIVE HERE, TOO? Yes it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE and yes it is UNFAIR and EVERY OTHER DAY IS FAR TOO FUCKING OFTEN

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

...get out.

tomaranai mirai wo mezashite

I guess I have just been watching A LOT of Magic Knight Rayearth.

Tonight between 11pm and 1am it is supposed to snow. I don't think it will, but just in case I thought I would let you all know.

Also, today is the day my novel was supposed to be finished. It is not yet 30,000 words (I will try to make it so, though). It isn't that I've given up, I've just slowed down a little because it is time that I got some amount of sleep at night, don't you think?

This semester cannot end soon enough.

everything changes, everything falls apart

Well I'm coming home today. I want to. For the first time I have been really missing my mother. I think it's because I feel very lost, and although I would not tell her about the things that have been making me feel thus, I just want to feel safe and secure in my own room and the familiarities of the holidays.

I've been fucking things up with Austin, Ancient Greek, and my novel.

I just don't understand how someone would be willing to go at someone with a knife for sticking his hand down my pants but not to drive a half hour to Little Rock twice in one day in order to pick me up from the airport.

but Charles, the empty miles press
with the weight I had thought I was avoiding;
and how can I confess
when I know not what I am doing?

The new HP trailer is available on MuggleNet.com or the Happy Feet website. I checked imdb.com for the cast list, and in the credits it gave names for the actors of "young Sirius Black" and "young Remus Lupin" and "young James Potter" and "young Peter Pettigrew" and "young Severus Snape." At least I know they will TRY to not fuck up the marauder bits completely by at least including them.

I like how I am having this slight life crisis and I can still get excited about HP.

this isn't happening happening happening--it is

So this is an amazing experience.

i am dark, mysterious, and pissed off

I suppose it has been a while since I last updated the world on my college experience. Things you may want to know:

-I have become addicted to Firefly
-I am writing a novel (50,000 words by Dec.1)
-I went to a dance party on Friday and got drunk and danced a lot. Innocent fun.
-Last night at 3am the fire alarm went off in Couch and I, in boxers and a shirt, grabbed two stuffed animals and my phone--NOT my shoes or my glasses or a blanket. We stood outside in the 30something degree weather for almost half an hour before we could go inside (fire trucks came and everything). I was a bit panicked because I couldn't see anything or feel my feet.
-I never know where I can pee in my dormitory. The third floor is for girls, the second is both sexes, and the first is boys. I spend most of my time in Adam and Robert's room, which is on the first floor. Whenever I have to pee I don't know where to go! Once I was tipsy and went to the bathroom in their hall but ended up seeing a naked guy who definitely did not expect to see a female emerge from the stall. This is a very pressing issue, especially since I drink in their room a lot, and that makes me have to pee, and walking up stairs is never a good idea in that state, either.

welcome to the jaws of hell

Lalalalalala.

I am sick of myself.

I hate the way I deal with things.

Perhaps the worst part of this is that I recognize the problem but cease to fix it.

this phone tag game is endless, the novelty's wearing

Okay. Love life is back in swing.

It is raining.

Also, at 1:15 Laura and I are driving with two boys to Dallas to see The Decemberists. Just so everyone knows, that is at least a 6-hour drive. After the concert ends, we are driving back!

I will probably be going to bed around the time LBJ kids are getting up to go to school.

But it's THE DECEMBERISTS. My favorite!

Yay!

love's the funeral of hearts

Just when college-related areas were starting to look up, my love life starts falling apart.

I haven't eaten alone for a few days.
I've been doing better in volleyball.
I got 90 on my Journeys essay.
I got an A on my Greek test.

And I am miserable.

my salvation lies in your love

I don't know what to be for Halloween. It seems as though all the girls are going to be skanky, and the guys will just be guys.

Where does that leave me?

and the sky is a hazy shade of winter

It is 49 degrees outside! Also it is drizzling and grey. How beautiful and amazing. I wore my winter coat and a scarf. Laura makes fun of me because I am taking pictures of the cold, but I don't care. It's weather like this that makes me happy.

Bands for This Weather:
-The Juliana Theory
-Moby
-Jem
-Tegan and Sara

I had two volleyball games last night (while thunderstorms could be heard outside the Maybee Center). We won one and lost one, but I'm just glad my serves are improving, and I did an amazing block. Also I wore softball pads with black tye-died softball socks and green alligator boxers, so I looked ridiculous. That was half the fun.

Actually, it mostly wasn't fun because my team was purposely trying to not give the ball to me. I know they don't appreciate me much. Oh well.

We are reading the play Agamemnon by Aeschulus in Classical Mythology. It is about when Agamemnon comes home to Mycenae and Clytemnestra stabs him while he is in the bathtub. He deserved it.

Send me mail.

so let's find a bar so dark we forget who we are

Some important things:

1. It is grey, rainy, and chilly.
2. I am a "free agent" intramural volleyball player without kneepads.
3. Fall break is over.

What I want to do is compose a short story, but instead I will just go and think about my Journeys essay of doom that is due on Wednesday. I have a volleyball game tonight that I have to report to at 7:45 in a white shirt. I am nervous.