Monday, June 09, 2008

i was out of your league; you were twenty thousand underneath the sea

I go to work, I work out, I talk to Gavin. I go to Barton Springs with Stephanie and sometimes others (read: Mary, Austin). It isn't the most exciting existence ever, but it is not a depressed one for the most part, and as long as it carries me quickly to July 17th, it t'will serve.

Blake has yet to answer my letter and I think he is just going to ignore it. This frustrates me and occasionally upsets me, but if he is not mature enough to respond and confirm his unexplained anger towards me, what can I do? I keep telling myself that he might be out of town or simply just not had a chance to respond, but I can't disillusion myself forever. Sam cut me gracefully out of her life by blocking me on AIM, and I imagine that Blake is trying to do the same. I wish I knew why, but to actively seek answers would only create more drama and this is the one thing that this friend-group (former friend-group?) does not need.

I've been trying to read, and after two quick successes I have come to an obstacle in Edith Wharton's House of Mirth. I dislike the heroine and care very little of what will happen to her, but as there are less than 100 pages left, I feel I ought to go ahead and complete the novel. I don't know what I will read next. Austin offered me the book he just completed by Ayn Rand, but I don't think I'm going to stray from my own bookshelf unless it is to read something contemporary from the list that Dr. Stuber emailed me.

Speaking of Austin, we hung out. It's rather exhausting to explain it. I didn't cry, I didn't get upset, I didn't long for physical interaction, I did talk about Gina, and he did avoid the subject of Gavin. I'm not even going to try to do anything about that, because I love Gavin and he makes me immensely happy and has managed to actually make me take care of myself like no one else ever could.

I'm trying to write again! I wish I knew where to go next, how to polish it. My angst about the future is heavy, but at the present I am just trying to live practically and keep busy to bring my week with Gavin closer. I don't think I have ever missed anybody this much.

No comments: