Duncan Sheik and a Serious Case of the Wednesdays
and there are so many reasons I could give you why I should be down
there's not enough money or time
and my love you're not around
but its a lie it's a lie - don't you believe it
if you're fine then you're fine - it's all how you see it
oh, there never will be no conspiracy of happiness
--from the song 'On a High' by Duncan Sheik
That previous post was so optimistic! But... it's dwindling. This song by Duncan Sheik is just all up in my brain today. I'm feeling that first stanza I've got up there, and trying to convince myself of the second.
This Levinas response paper is not coming along as well as I had initially thought that it might. I'm not sure what my mental block is. I understand the ethics. I understand how I want to show that they are illustrated in Rich's poetry. I like the ethics. I love Rich's poetry. So, what's the problem?
I've been getting up at 6am all week in order to squeeze in an extra 2-3 hours of productivity. Yesterday I managed to type out a page. This morning I went to the gym instead, then returned home and proceeded to spend an hour and a half trying to figure out what to wear whilst eating my morning bagel and peanut butter.
For those of you who are not aware--and that ought to be the majority of you--I sometimes will take an unearthly amount of time to get dressed in the morning. I will just hit these moods where I am convinced I do not look good in anything. This morning I had intended to wear a pair of maroon skinny pants from the H&M in Oxford Street that I got in London 2.5 years ago--but they were pretty tight, and not exactly flattering with the top and the shoes I had planned on pairing with them.
After this my bed became a mess of hopeful tops, skeptical pants, and even wistful cardigans. I tried just about every pair of pants in my closet. Then I tried pairing a top with one of about three skirts. When I finally decided on a dress, it took my 25 minutes to choose which cardigan to wear over it, and whether I wanted the belt on top of it or not.
I suppose I ought to have known then that today was just going to be one of those days. After all, it is a Wednesday. Wednesdays are notoriously difficult, aren't they? Agonizingly close-but-not-close-enough to the weekend for those of us with five-day work weeks. But I have a conference on Saturday to co-chair, and am not even looking particularly forward to my weekend. Usually I like Wednesdays myself, because I don't have class on Fridays, and because I get done with class around noon, and so have a very leisiurely 36 hours to do my reading for the next day.
But it's this bloody response paper that's throwing me off!
Seriously, I can't stand these mini-assignments in the middle of the semester. I much prefer the giant term paper at the end, because at the end I can simply stop doing the reading in my other classes. But not in the middle. Not when I still need to get some participation points.
And besides, the weather was so nice--50s, 60s--for almost a whole week until today. I just about froze walking from the bus stop to class because of the icy wind blowing at all of the layers I thought I was going to be able to put away into my trunk. Not yet. It might snow this weekend. If it snows I will fucking cry.
-I have run out of money and gone through $450 of my savings. I am broke.
-I haven't had time to work out.
-I want new clothes.
-This conference is a pain in the ass.
-My apartment is a mess. I do not have the time to clean it.
-I am sleepy.
So I'm listening to Antony and the Johnsons and drinking Earl Grey out of my Eeyore mug and wearing wool tights beneath baggy yet too short pj pants with the super-frumpy wool zip-up sweater that Robert loaned me yesterday after he deemed me not layered well enough to walk home from Fair Grounds after the cold front hit. My living room is like one giant self-pity-party at the moment.
Sorry to complain, all, but today I am in one serious funk.