Tuesday, November 06, 2007

how can I confess when I know not what I am doing?

1. Austin broke up with me on 9/21.
2. He lets a petite redhead named Gina sleep in his bed, and they kiss and things.
3. I've been upset about it for over a month.
4. I lost so much weight I need new pants.
5. He said he might come back.
6. On Saturday he said he was holding her in bed and thinking only of me.
7. On Friday night I spent the night in Shannon's bed. There was kissing and touching. Drunk.
8. On Saturday I spent the night with Shannon again. Tipsy.
9. And on Sunday. Sober.
10. Shannon visisted a serious girlfriend over fall break, less than a month ago.
11. I don't know if they are still together.
12. Austin doesn't know where I've been sleeping.

And I, I don't know what I'm doing, although I think this is what college was sort of supposed to be about.

I liked sleeping in Shannon's bed, off-campus at the apartment he shares with Jared. I didn't care about the loud trains because I like how he holds me, I like how we talked for 6 hours in the dead of night and did not get sexual, I like how he kissed my cheek or my head or even my hand whenever he woke up before going back to sleep.

But I'm not going to lie, I also liked each time our bodies became entwined and he leaned down and began to kiss me. I like that I didn't feel sick (while drunk or sober), and that I wasn't imagining Austin, just how nice his fingertips felt on the back of my neck and that it would have been nice if he had unzipped my dress.

It hurts Blake, who had a thing for Shannon, that I spent the night, that something may be evolving between the two of us.

I don't know what's evolving. It's not about sex, and he hasn't tried to hide me. He came up behind me and put his arms around me while I did dishes at Hollis' apartment and last night we walked around campus at night to look at the trees and he slipped his arm around me.

Scene: Jared and Shannon's apartment.
[the sound of a train can be heard]
Jared: Kirbey said she was coming. I guess she got lost.
Shannon: Or run over by the train.
Me: I bet that was it.
Shannon: You should go save her, Jared.
Jared: I think Kirbey can handle it.
[Kirbey arrives 20 minutes later]
Jared: You didn't get hit by the train. Good.

---1 hour later---

[I realize I left the cheese in my dorm and run to campus to get it and back, getting trapped by another train going by]
[I text Jared: "I got run over by a train."]
[Arriving at the apartment complex, Shannon opens the door and waves]
Shannon: Did you get run over?
Jared: [sort of pulling me aside] Shannon actually peeked outside to see if you were.
Me: Oh, no, I managed to survive.

--2 hours later, I am leaving with Hollis to go back to campus and drive to UCA---

Me: I should be going.
Shannon: You're walking back? Do you have enough time?
Me: Unless I get hit by another train.
Shannon: NO! [He grabs me around the waist and holds on tightly].

So that was all today. I mean, he is not hiding his attraction, that's for damn sure. We certainly have a "thing." I just don't know what.

And then there's Austin. Who doesn't want me... at this time? But we spend some time together and he texts me each night before bed.

Like I said.
I don't know what I'm doing.

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