Wednesday, January 09, 2008

can you teach me how to fight? show me how to give back pain.

I packed my things (dishes, new clothes, old clothes, records, and books)and we packed the car. I finished Christmas shopping for everyone--except Shannon. I don't know what the hell to give him. He gave me two books and wrote something nice on the inside cover of one of them, but that was before the break. Originally I wanted to get him something on vinyl but at the moment I am too pissed off.

I don't even really know what I am pissed off about, when it comes to him. Honestly I think I am just irked that I still don't know why we never progressed from falling asleep together and living together to anything else when in the end, once it was too late, it turned out he desired me after all.

I hate facebook. It's probably the bane of my existence. Naturally, I bring it on myself, however. Nobody forces me to look at the facebook of Gina. I just do it for fun. Honestly, it tends to be entertaining because she is clearly not as intelligent as I am and mispells words like "anatamy" and "independant." Also her wall was empty for most of the break, implying that she has no actual friends at Hendrix (which from what I've heard is basically the truth). However, because my intelligence level is [modestly] rather high, I manage to be 'sneaky like a freak' and see what she writes on the walls of others. Every now and then she will write on someone else's wall and reference Austin as her boyfriend. For instance, she wrote on his roommate's wall "when will I get to spend more time than you in your room again?" And clearly that question had nothing to do with Kerry and was made completely in order to be like "hey guess what guess what Austin is dating me and I sleep in his bed ooooo!"

I am trying to decipher what I feel about this. I think it may actually be bitterness that Austin has found such a poor replacement for me. Or, as I am sure you readers are all thinking, that he has found a replacement for me at all. That may have originally been the case, but let's be honest. I have a boyfriend now, and I am no hypocrite. It really is just Gina specifically I hate. This may have something to do with the fact that before he even broke up with me she bounced up to him and said "if you were single, I would date you." Who the fuck does that? It's against girl-code, and come on. It's pretty damn slutty. She must think God is smiling down upon her pale miniscule ass. After she said that phrase and less than a week later Austin dumped [the wittier, more intelligent, and even I, who find myself unattractive, will admit, better-looking] me. She probably thinks her words had an effect on him. Maybe they did. But he is not in love with her. In fact, despite having spent all his time with her from mid-September to Thanksgiving Break, he was not even infatuated with her. He liked her somewhat, but found her to be too pale and veiny, as well as full of herself and not very intellectual. He told me she did not make him happy, not even content. When asked what he liked about her, he said "it's easy," implying that she is not emotional. HA.

(Listen. I am totally emotional, but I am totally worth it. Asshole.)

But anyway, she is going to probably tell him she loves him, and he is going to be like "oh shit." And that'll be the end of that.

And meanwhile, I, who actually waited until I liked someone to date them instead of just letting some squinty-eyed redhead attach themselves to me, am happier than he. And she will soon realize that I'm pretty amazing, and there is no way that after me, someone could descend to falling in love with her.


You're right. I am bitter. I just can't help it, because she smirks at me whenever she sees me, and because I am quite sure she believes she has won. She hasn't. I just want to make that perfectly clear. So I mutter mean things when I am on her facebook and then blog about them. It's okay. I can do that. Because at least I am literate.

In other news, I'm going to Hut's later to eat dinner with my three Austin (TX) friends who are still here. I'm so hungry I may eat a meat burger instead of a veggie one, despite the fact that I find myself to be too fat. Next stop, size 6 I hope. Perhaps by my birthday. Once I get back to Hendrix I am no longer eating out, and I am no longer eating desert foods or fried foods or meat. Also I will start going to the WAC (the gym) Monday-Friday for two hours each day and drinking water all the time. Honestly, I can't stand looking like I look (this is absurd, because I went down a pant size already, two months ago). I need to be able to feel attractive, because that's my only weapon at this point. I'll probably see Shannon several times before Gavin gets back to Conway, and with my luck I will probably run into Austin and Gina, too. So I am going to feel like shit if I don't look good when I do.

I'm not shallow, I'm just honest.

No comments: