this isn't happening happening happening happening happening--it is

Well last night I exploded on my roomate. I started screaming at her while crying and cussing her out and she left the room and then I ran out crying while Laura and Lauren were still sitting in there. I walked around Conway after midnight weeping while on the phone with Austin. I was back in my room by 3am, and didn't see Kim until a couple of hours ago when she came in with her parents and ignored me (all three of them ignored me), except when she said, "Oh, Lauren, just so you know I am moving out whenever they find a room for me." I said okay.

I honestly do not like living with her at all, so it's no real loss. It is sad though. Ben got shifted around from host family to host family when he was in Spain, and the same thing is basically now happening to me. Figures.

But honestly. She leaves food out for a whole week and wonders why we have ants. She has the nerve to tell me to calm down on a regular basis, as if she fucking knows me. She is good at everything and throws it in my face constantly. She actually took one of my essays from me and proceeded to tell me how essays are supposed to be written. She talks to me when I am on the phone. She treats the room like it is hers, just hers. She kicks my friends out. She has people in the room on schoolnights at midnight without asking. She has the nerve to tell someone right in front of me that it is annoying that I talk on the phone with Austin every night, without ever having brought it up with me before. She talks down to me all the time, she uses my friends--Laura for her sewing machine.

After I blew up and ran away last night, no one called me to see if I was ok. I texted Laura about lunch this morning and she sent me a nice one saying she couldn't because of frisbee. Lauren never contacted me.

I don't know what the hell I am doing here. Maybe I will just study all the time and make good grades and then transfer to Lake Forest. Or just make really good grades and apply to an insane grad school. I guess I will just study all the time.

return, return, to the person that you were

things seem so much brighter on the other side

Well here is another Wednesday night that I am sitting in my room like a loser. Wednesdays are like Fridays here at Hendrix. Especially for me--my Thursday class is not until 2:45. Plenty of time to nurse a hangover if it were necessary.

Too bad I don't drink?

The highlight of my week thus far is the letter I received from Ms. Aguayo.

I went to the study abroad information session this evening and learned that I probably won't do the Hendrix at Oxford program. Because financial aid from Hendrix does not transfer over, just federal and state aid--aka only for people who rocked the FAFSA. Do those people even exist? I am beginning to wonder.

My alternative is Hendrix in London, which is FAR CHEAPER and probably easier to do, academically. I was very intrigued by an Athens program that involved intensive Classics study, but it is $18,000 for a semester, which is more costly than one entire year at Hendrix for me. $28,000 for a year, which is twice what it costs me to attend Hendrix for a year. So I don't think it will be possible to go to Athens, despite how AMAZING it sounds. I could design a Classics major and complete it. Seriously. UGH. I hate money, I hate the FAFSA, I hate the fact that even if Austin goes to Hendrix, he probably won't be able to go abroad with me, which will be even worse than going to seperate colleges. The Murphy Foundation of Literature here offers scholarships for Athens abroaders if they intend to take language/literature courses there, but if Austin went it would be for the Economics program, and there aren't any scholarships for that. And it would be selfish of me to drag him along in my Classics obsession. London. London.

I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not good at writing these days. I'm not good at anything except... what... ? I don't even know. I feel like the identity I worked so so so so hard to set in stone for myself before I got here is just slipping away against my will.

Doesn't it scareyou, your will is not as strong as it used to be?

It's grey and raining and thundering and Conway is under a tornado watch. I get very tipsy off of severe weather. Wheeeeeee.

Laura and Lauren and I are supposed to go to Little Rock today to see The Last Kiss.

I am trying to think of interesting bits of my week to discuss, but I guess my week was not that interesting. Trey and I played Risk last night which was vaguely intense.

I hope the temperature does not go above 80 ever again.

I'm just like you I know you know, I'm just like you so leave me alone

After returning from ACL Fest to my humble college abode, I found that Kim had broken up with Joe and that someone had left gum on my trunk.

Also, it was raining. My rain boots came in the mail, as well as my DVD of Grey's Anatomy, second season.

Today I have a midterm in Poetry... and haven't really studied. It's difficult to study for something that I am convinced I already know. But I have looked over all the poems and so far that seems sufficient.

Sometimes I don't understand things.

Like dreams, stubble, the postal service, time, my computer, and why my roomate has left a bowl of soup out for at least three days now.

whatever you do, don't

I love being awake this early here, because when I go outside and to breakfast, it is actually chilly. The morning weather is indistinguishable from autumn.

At breakfast, Laura and I both got disco trays! These trays are leftover from the 70s, and are light green with gold splotches and glitter on them. Hendrix legend states that if you receive a disco tray (by chance--you can't look for one or steal someone else's), then you will have good luck that day. So far I would say it is working.

After class Laura and I (and Lauren, probably), are going to go shopping at Salvation Army for birthday presents for Ashley. While I'm at it I should get something for Trey as well (not movie theatre Trey, but Trey who is in my Journeys and Explorations classes).

I don't have to do any homework today. I come home tomorrow. Hendrix is so beautiful to me when I am about to leave.

this phone tag game is endless and the novelty's wearing

I think the air conditioner in our room broke. I am sweating in boxers and a tank top, and the air is on as cold as it cans go--which usually puts it to sweatshirt, sweatpants, socks, and a hat type of temperature.

Today I realized that though I am thrilled to be coming home, I am academically screwed. For instance, I have a Poetry midterm on Monday, and in case everyone forgot, that is the class I mostly slept through until recently. I don't have all the poems I need to study and I did not take notes. I have a paper on academic integrity due on Tuesday. I have a huge Greek test on Friday that I am missing. Lord only knows when I will be able to make that up. So basically I have huge things in every class in the same cluster of days that I am NOT HERE and EXTREMELY BUSY. Go figure.

My roommate is coming down with something. I weigh 139. Those seem important somehow.


Today I had a gin and tonic and really liked it.

The new Decemberists album is amazing.

Clara, you need to start leaving your phone on, woman.

One more day!!

the air is sacred here despite all your claims

If you can guess where my title is from without googling it, I will mail you a mix cd.

I am procrastinating like whoa. I have decided not to edit my Socrates essay very much, because a first-person anecdote is actually a good device, right? (Ms. Aguayo, if you are reading this like you said you might, you should probably email me and tell me I am wrong).

Laura and I are going to buy sticky stuff for our walls. I will then do homework instead of inestigating the cost of hotels and plane tickets for DisneyWorld and Chicago. Damnit.

everyone knows I'm in over my head

Oh my lordddddd.

Ancient Greek is kicking my ass! Three Cs, one A. More quizzes, more tests. Always more quizzes and more tests. I am constantly needing to make more flashcards.

I can't talk about much besides class, because besides eating and watching Grey's Anatomy with Laura and Lauren, that is all I do.

Or mailing things. I mailed a huge thing today, and three considerably sized things yesterday, and another package tomorrow! As much as I am mailing, I deserve some mail in return. I'll get some when Amazon sends me my cds though.

We are finally reading The Odyssey in Classical Mythology. Now I will probably be able to stay awake more easily. Good news. Too bad the translation is kinda weird.

ONE WEEK.

where my love lies waiting silently for me

One week and one day!

I feel bad about not returning phone calls promptly. It's just hard. It's hard for me to go from Ancient Greek to a phone conversation and back again. Even if I get to the conversation, I am terrified that I will be told about everything I am missing (as if xanga and facebook don't tell me enough), and I know I can't handle that. I know I am missing out on things at home, and missing Austin the person is hard enough without missing excursions to Barton Springs and the like.

I did all of my dorm shopping by myself.

And it just feels like no one really notices that I am gone. Robin went back and there were like Robin Parties, and a million facebook photo albums dedicated to her. I know none of that will happen when I come home, which just makes it harder for me to talk to anyone from there because I know they don't miss me as much as her. I tried to give everyone a going-away present for college, but no one except Coco and Austin have even written me letters. I knew that no one would I guess, since no one ever does, but I still hoped for mail.

All of that aside, I am struggling with my time management. Even as I type all of this I should be studying my Ancient Greek verb that there is a quiz on today, and making myself breakfast.

I think I am quitting Poetry in Motion so I can go get Amelia's other birthday presents today. Also the poetry deadline was yesterday and I didn't turn in anything, so I would have to be a dancer which is just a bad idea. I hope they don't have t-shirts or I will be sad that I quit. That's what I will do this year--be a huge advocate for club t-shirts.

carve your number on my wall, maybe you will get a call from me

1. I really love Her Space Holiday
2. Laura, Lauren and I have found more thrift stores.
3. Hot tea is lovely in a freezing dorm.
4. These days I also like Ace of Base??
5. I am writing an essay about who Socrates really was, and all I can think of is some jerk who formed cliques,
6. HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY AMALIA.

don't look back in anger, I heard you say

So I did the college drinking bit, finally. Ashley and Kim dolled me up in make-up and a blue shirt with a plunging neckline, and Ashley and I proceeded to find some kind of party. We got some beer from a guy who is in two of my classes (turns out he does cocaine? last time I go to his dorm room anyway). We retreived Blake and Booth from Couch where they were playing Risk, and then walked across the street to the "white house" and danced for a long while to 80s music. I guess I was tipsy. I talked to Kingsley for a while and Shea sort of started unbuttoning his shirt at me. That counts as recognition, right? The kid had probably had a lot of shots, though. There was a lot of whiskey that I did not partake in.

Earlier in the day, Lauren, Blake, Ashley and I played Scrabble. I won by one point! And I got 80 points in one turn with the word 'quick.' I rule.

Anyway, I promised that Blake was real, and so here are some pictures to prove it.


Blake eating Lauren's hoodie string thing.


Booth is the guy in the middle.


Blake and Ashley singing My Humps during Scrabble.

just to show you it's for real

I've been busy, in a way. Until tonight I have been extremely dilligent about my homework, especially in Ancient Greek. Tonight I had a venti chai latte (our union brews Starbucks coffee?!?!?!)and went with Lauren and her friend named Biff or Boff or something to Kroger's and bought supplies for rice krispie treats. We didn't make them though, and I instead had a long conversation with Austin on the phone and then made him... something. Something that took 3 hours, and the coffee has yet to wear off.

Alright.
I confess.

At first I was getting insanely irritated with my roomate. I held her boyfriend against her, and was mad that she kept moving my pillows from my rug to my bed. Even now that sounds silly. I complained about her and Joe constantly to my other friends, but after yesterday I have completely come around. I was upset and couldn't help but cry, and she hugged me and told me a really personal story to help me out, and it did. Today we ate dinner together (with Joe), and talked for hours while she did her hair and I my Austin-Project. It's nice to not dislike her. I feel like life is getting easier with the people here. I have at least one concrete friend--the other Lauren. Blake (gay, remember?) hangs with us a lot and greets us, "Hey, Laurens." Ashley we see when we can, but she is across campus in the all-girls section (by across campus I mean maybe a 10 minute walk) so it is harder. I don't feel as alone as before.

I have club meetings this week on Thursday, and my Aonian (litmag) interview on the 5th at 4:45. Do I want to apply for an editorship in the yearbook? There are no normal staff positions (except photographers) available. I could take pictures, right?

Apparently we have to be elected to the Social Commitee, and I do not stand a chance. So that is unfortunate. I would have brought indie to Hendrix. Haha. Joking.

A band came from UCA this evening and they were great. I was in the perfect mood for an emotional singer/songwriter. I bought his CDs. Want a copy? Email me.

I lost about ten pounds between leaving home and last Thursday. Between Thursday and now I have gained five pounds. It's because I have succomb to snacks and the cafeteria's french fries. Must lose weight, rawr. Considering auditing the kickboxing class or joining the pick-up volleyball games every other evening or so.

Tomorrow I will walk to Walgreens and back, and then again on Thursday. This should help (monumentally). With my iPod or Blake and Lauren, this should not be TOO long a walk.

Home in almost two weeks!

Pictures!


Lauren and Lauren! This is the cafeteria.


Susanna is the girl who is not me. On Friday for whatever reason there was a candlelit dinner?


Kim and I posing in front of our door. Note the dinosaur nametags.


Lauren and Ashley in my room. We were "studying."


Kim and her hated Calculus.


Ashley stuffing her face with popcorn. Mmm.


Some cute guy and the moosie I left in his safekeeping until... someday.

Next time: a picture of Blake, who does exist, I swear!

look at all the lonely people

Campus is empty.
Laura and Lauren and I are going to go shopping at antique stores, I hope.
Shirt tails is tonight, and a band is playing.
Busy, tomorrow I need to study a lot of Greek.
I was feeling awful but Austin cheered me on the phone. Yay. Still wish my boyfriend were here, especially since my roomate has hers.

believing is art

Activities I signed up for:

College Republicans
Literary Magazine
Super Sober Society
Model United Nations
Student Congress
Theatre
Philosophy Club
SoCo
History Club
Yearbook

Woo.

and I don't mind braving the coldest winter of our lives

I got a facebook message yesterday:

"Hi, Lauren. I've been spending some time this semester trying to pick out all of the good freshman, well, the bad too, but only so that I can avoid them.

Anyway, you caught my eye when I was reading in front of Couch today, and not in a creepy, I was ogling you, kind of way either. Just a genuine interest in meeting you. I would have come over and introduced myself, but being assertive isn't really my forte.

I would love if you would hang out with me and my friends sometime. I even live in a Front Street apartment, so we have couches and the like. Trying to fit a whole group of friends into a dorm room comfortably was always such a challenge.

Well, I'm just rambling now, so I'll spare you any more reading. Message me or something. Let's be friends."

That's interesting.

I have a friend whose name is also Lauren, and we are getting involved in something called Poetry in Motion. It combines poetry and dancing, and we are going to be writers/technical assistance. That should be nice, something to do.

Pictures:


This is from Orientation. I'm on the bottom row, just about right in the middle. The girl in the hat next to me is Kelsey, who is also doing Poetry in Motion, and went to Westwood High School. Laura and Blake, the bloke I talked to for all of lunch about sonnets one time and have been hanging out with every day, are standing right behind me. The 4th girl on the top row is Stefani, who I sometimes eat with, and the girl to her right is Susanna, who I have two classes with. She is very nice and loves Star Wars.


This is Laura and me on the us from Eureka Springs.


A nice girl named Cassidy (in the blue tank top in the first picture) took this picture of me and Blake before the orientation pep rally. I am wearing Kelsey's coat because I was wet from playing in the rain outside and it was freezing inside. Blake is the bloke who is dancing on my right.

So you sort of have some pictures. Today I will try to take a couple of more.

Being away from Austin is hard, but I've decided that we will survive and people may eat their words about high school romances.

"not in a creepy ogling way"

No Internet access until further notice...

I want something else to get me through this

I've got to got to got to got to got to get of here

I like my classes so far. Mostly. I like my Greek/Mythology teacher--he's a dork, like me. My Greek class is tiny, and I have a feeling I'm the most earnestly enthusiastic person in there. My Mythology class was full of lame people, and it really was full. Only one person in there besides me had ever read the Iliad, and there was this super-loud girl who I suspect is my peer mentor who never showed up for the meetings. She kept shouting things out in this horrible voice that was very self-assuredly BOOMING. She obviously thought we all REALLY needed to pay attention to her. Explorations is boring.

So, the problem here is not going to be the classes. I did my homework for Journeys in about an hour and a half. It consisted of reading Plato and taking notes to answer specific questions about philosophy. Yay.

But really, the people aren't the problem, either. Some people are great, and they are seriously interested in their academic pursuits. I spent an entire lunch discussing the differences between Shakespearean and Patrarchian sonnets with a gay guy named Blake. That part of the people here is great.

I guess the problem is me. I miss Austin (the person), and now that the upperclassmen are back there are a lot more couples. Oftentimes I feel inadequate. We were supposed to be learning a dance to perform on Saturday (we being the girls of my dormitory--Couch), but after the first serious rehearsal last night I quit. I hated it. Skinny girls in tiny shorts doing weird dance moves, led by this blonde whose UCA boyfriend kept coming in and staring at us. I hated it. I kept thinking that she was blonde and dumb and if we were challengers in a poetry contest, I would win. But I don't know if I actually would. I just think things like that to make myself feel better.

I need to do laundry soon. I'm a little scared of it.

I lied my face off when I said that I would be okay.

I'm sure you would all love to hear about my OR trip to Eureka Springs, but that's not really what I would "love" to tell you about.

(I feel like this blog may become an outlet for my complaints, and so I apologize ahead of time...)

The trip was fun, in a way. There were some neat people, but there were also some people who formed their own 'exclusive' group and that always irritates me. What, like I'm not hipster enough for you? Well sod off, I am hip to someone, somewhere, I hope.

One girl took three hours in the morning to do her hair and make-up. While we were in the wilderness. Seriously. She was one of the skinniest people I have ever seen, and everything she wore was Abercrombie, and she would not talk to anyone except the boy who was (I think) her boyfriend. She looked down her nose at all of us. And I couldn't stand it.

The wildlife preserve was awful. Too hot, and too long. The lions and tigers and panthers all began to look the same. We were on foot with no water and I was in boots.

Downtown Eureka Springs was nice. Laura and I could not find a thrift store, but we spent quite a while in an antique shop run by an old lady who kept giving us large discounts.

This morning we went swimming in a lake on our way back to college, and that was nice. I played frisbee with some people in the water. It rained on the 4 hour drive back.

I was awful lonely when we returned--it felt like everyone returned to their previous friends and I was left to fend for myself again. The other Lauren and me had a long two hour or so conversation outside at a table and that was nice. It was the first time that anyone here seemed genuinely interested in knowing anything about me.

Then I phoned my parents, and then Austin. A police officer walked into the Burrow while I was crying after I'd gotten off the phone, and was very polite and pretended not to notice. I walked back to my dorm, where Kim and Joe were asleep together on her bed and I took a shower. While I was drying off, a girl and a boy came into the restroom and the girl screamed at him for acting strangely while smoking pot. They were both drunk and stoned. He "only took two hits, baby," but it was enough to make her ask him over and over if he was healthy. His "eyes had been closed out on the fire escape and [he] hadn't responded to anyone." This, she screamed, "IS NOT COOL."

So now the hallway smells like pot (I thought that was what it was), and I came back into the room and they were still watching Breakfast at Tiffany's and now it is 1:18 and after crying in the Burrow and crying in the shower, I am ready to sleep.

I console myself that Hallmark cards are true. (I really do).

Well I went to Target yesterday with Laura and her roomate Elizabeth and that was probably the most fun I've had with people since arriving here. Also I have discovered that my roomate Kim and I have the tiniest room on campus. Everywhere I go, the rooms get larger. That's ok. I like my cozy corner.

Laura and I also explored and found the swimming pool. Once we find out when it is open, we will go there and swim laps. It was kind of weird, because we saw this little kid who must've been about 7 or 8 coming from the gym, and then when we went inside we found the pool but could not get in from anywhere. Creepy little kid.

Today we leave for our Orientation trips. Laura and I are both going to Eureka Springs, which has been labeled the fluff trip. Oh well. I would rather be on a fluff trip than get a reputation for freaking out on a canoeing trip because I thought I saw a shark.

We are going swimming and shopping. Also we are riding a cart through a wildlife preserve of large wild kitties. Like, you know, Hobbes in real life. Aka tigers and lions and I'll bring my Teddy Bear, oh my!

Last night my Teddy fell my bed and I almost screamed. Poor Teddy.

I bought envelopes at Target, so EXPECT MAIL. But only if I have your address.

I need addresses of the following:
COCO
LILLIAN
STEPHEN
ASHLEY
MEGZ
ELAINE
AMALIA
Ms. AGUAYO
Mr. TABOR
CLARA

Basically, if you read this and aren't Gerber, Megan, or Alex Fu-- email it to me.

In case I forgot to mention, my roomate has a boyfriend already. Yep. So that's... a lot of adjectives. I miss Austin.

death of an interior decorator

My dorm looks like this.