I've just returned from Chicago, and I'm not sure what to say except that something has got to change. Perhaps it's perfect that I'm going away to London for these few months, perhaps when I return I will be a different Lauren, one I can stand, one who actually deserves... things.

Against the unfamiliar background of Chicago I think I have remembered why it is I should not like myself in the first place, and although I felt like a giant hippo around all the hipsters, my loathing had much less to do with weight than I predicted. I don't feel unattractive when Gavin is around--period. I sometimes feel like I'm the chubby girl on the arm of the attractive boy that passersby glance at and wonder, "how the hell did she get him?" but that wasn't the main problem.

It's difficult to explain, but, things will be different now.