january brings april showers

It is so cold. We have ice, but since campus is only a block long and everyone lives so close to (if not on) it, classes have not been cancelled. I have an 8:10 class and I didn't think I would survive the walk there, it was so cold. How do people keep warm? I should just buy a bodysuit.

So I have a new roommate. Her name is Hollis and I like her a lot. She's a sophomore, and a bit of a hippie, also a lesbian. She is super-friendly, and we have a similar taste in music and people. (As in, the people she wants to get to know are the same people I wished to befriend last semester).

Things seem to be looking up. On Friday I'm going to Memphis with Laura, Lauren, Blake, and a guy named Sean to see Of Montreal and eat bbq. On Saturday Hollis and I are having an underwear tea party where you must be wearing some type of underwear visibly (over pants or whatnot is acceptable) to be admitted. We're thinking about moving the furniture around if it's possible.

There are distinct opportunities, I think. Cause enough to be optimistic, at least.

time is marching on, and time, is still marching on

I walked to Wal-Mart and bought groceries. Because Conway has no sidewalks, I also turned my black Converse into mud clomps.

The rumor from the first floor RA of Couch who was in my Classical Mythology class last semester is that my new roomate will be moving in tomorrow and that she is a sophomore. Adam told me she is a crazy hippie, though a nice one.

I am nearly done with The Vicomte de Braggelone. My list of books to read remains long, but I am progressing through it quickly, which delights me. Naturally, I haven't read a contemporary novel since Juno and Juliet.

There is a litmag meeting tonight, and I begin class tomorrow. I took a shower this morning and found it is still uncomfortable to wear flip flops while bathing. I am still at war with the air conditioning unit, as well. No sooner do I begin to sweat and turn off the heat that I begin to shiver uncontrollably.

I'm not really glad to be back at all.

"Yes" is my favorite answer.

It's official. I am back at Hendrix. (This is made official by my using the restroom next to my dorm room.)

Kim, my [pseudo-evil, at times] roomate, moved out. She's gone! And I have no idea if they will stick someone else in her place here, but at least for tonight I have the room to myself! This means I can talk to Austin on the phone however late I want, and listen to music when I go to sleep. Yessss.

It is raining like crazy here in Conway, and campus is underwater. That's ok--I like rain.

At dinner I ate a salad without dressing. I feel like that deserves a five pound reduction of my fat immediately.

homesick 'cause I no longer know where home is

I love The Kings of Convenience. Let me just say that for the past month I don't think I've really listened to anybody else besides them and The Decemberists, who we already know I love a lot.

I feel like everyone else is having these epiphanies or actual experiences in college, and I am not. Both Stephen and Megan have changed their ideas of what they want to do with their lives, and Alex has been questioning hers. Clara has her own radio show. I just can't think of anything romantic that came out of my semester, and because I expect nothing different, I am extremely reluctant to return on the 14th.

I don't want to return to roomate problems and public restrooms and no letters and awkward phone calls. I especially don't want to return to those things without having done so many of the things I wanted to over the break. Where is Amelia? Or Mary or Paul? I barely saw Amalia. I have hardly spent time with Robert and Alex and Stephen. I hope I see Ariane and Lily. From what I've heard I probably won't see Coco, and she's changed so much I may not want to.

I wish Hendrix and Southwestern or St. Edward's would magically switch. I hate not being in Austin but I know I would hate being at UT even more.

Now I'm trapped inside my conspiracy of happiness.

Well I guess I am more calm now (too calm--I've been reading old blogs instead of working on my Myth paper).

I have a playlist going right now that is mostly composed of Aqualung, The National, some Guster, some John Mayer, and Snow Patrol. It is a cold weather mix but also a "you are mature, now do what you need to do" mix.

Finals make me nervous, and old blogs make me nostalgic.

You can't forget the people from your past, because they really did have a hand in making you into who you are today.

December always makes me very think about Ben, probably because of the UT debate tournament being the first weekend of the month. It was also the month when I begged him to take me back during our sophomore year but he refused. Who knows.

The Rent musical soundtrack has a very wintery feeling to it because I would drive to work at the theater while listening to it every evening. And because I was getting trained in projection this time last year and getting out very late, the cold always caught me with my windows rolled down singing along to Happy New Year or Goodbye Love.

I guess December also reminds me a lot of the movie theater and the people from it. I was looking through facebook pictures the other day and found myself irritated by what I saw.

In the end it's always hard to decide what you should remember and what you really need to let go of.

Anyway, it is time to actually work on my paper.

I wanna hear what you have to say about me,
hear if you're gonna live without me.
I wanna hear what you want--
I remember December.
I wanna hear what you have to say about me,
hear if you're gonna live without me.
I wanna hear what you want--
what the hell do you want?

who will be the one to marry me?

RAR.

No you may NOT hit my arm with a hammer, it actually HURTS. No you may NOT lay with your head on my CHEST. Yes, I AM leaving your room now, because I don't like being alone with you.

NO you are NOT funny, I am just laughing because I am LONELY. Don't FLATTER yourself.

No I do NOT have anything else to say because my days are DULL and spent in FANTASY WORLDS. And no, I'm not wrong. You will be the way you've always been--I've changed and you have NOT.

No your boyfriend may NOT spend the night because he SNORES and it PISSES ME OFF and can you act for one second that I LIVE HERE, TOO? Yes it makes me UNCOMFORTABLE and yes it is UNFAIR and EVERY OTHER DAY IS FAR TOO FUCKING OFTEN

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

...get out.

tomaranai mirai wo mezashite

I guess I have just been watching A LOT of Magic Knight Rayearth.

Tonight between 11pm and 1am it is supposed to snow. I don't think it will, but just in case I thought I would let you all know.

Also, today is the day my novel was supposed to be finished. It is not yet 30,000 words (I will try to make it so, though). It isn't that I've given up, I've just slowed down a little because it is time that I got some amount of sleep at night, don't you think?

This semester cannot end soon enough.

everything changes, everything falls apart

Well I'm coming home today. I want to. For the first time I have been really missing my mother. I think it's because I feel very lost, and although I would not tell her about the things that have been making me feel thus, I just want to feel safe and secure in my own room and the familiarities of the holidays.

I've been fucking things up with Austin, Ancient Greek, and my novel.

I just don't understand how someone would be willing to go at someone with a knife for sticking his hand down my pants but not to drive a half hour to Little Rock twice in one day in order to pick me up from the airport.

but Charles, the empty miles press
with the weight I had thought I was avoiding;
and how can I confess
when I know not what I am doing?

The new HP trailer is available on MuggleNet.com or the Happy Feet website. I checked imdb.com for the cast list, and in the credits it gave names for the actors of "young Sirius Black" and "young Remus Lupin" and "young James Potter" and "young Peter Pettigrew" and "young Severus Snape." At least I know they will TRY to not fuck up the marauder bits completely by at least including them.

I like how I am having this slight life crisis and I can still get excited about HP.

this isn't happening happening happening--it is

So this is an amazing experience.

i am dark, mysterious, and pissed off

I suppose it has been a while since I last updated the world on my college experience. Things you may want to know:

-I have become addicted to Firefly
-I am writing a novel (50,000 words by Dec.1)
-I went to a dance party on Friday and got drunk and danced a lot. Innocent fun.
-Last night at 3am the fire alarm went off in Couch and I, in boxers and a shirt, grabbed two stuffed animals and my phone--NOT my shoes or my glasses or a blanket. We stood outside in the 30something degree weather for almost half an hour before we could go inside (fire trucks came and everything). I was a bit panicked because I couldn't see anything or feel my feet.
-I never know where I can pee in my dormitory. The third floor is for girls, the second is both sexes, and the first is boys. I spend most of my time in Adam and Robert's room, which is on the first floor. Whenever I have to pee I don't know where to go! Once I was tipsy and went to the bathroom in their hall but ended up seeing a naked guy who definitely did not expect to see a female emerge from the stall. This is a very pressing issue, especially since I drink in their room a lot, and that makes me have to pee, and walking up stairs is never a good idea in that state, either.

welcome to the jaws of hell

Lalalalalala.

I am sick of myself.

I hate the way I deal with things.

Perhaps the worst part of this is that I recognize the problem but cease to fix it.

this phone tag game is endless, the novelty's wearing

Okay. Love life is back in swing.

It is raining.

Also, at 1:15 Laura and I are driving with two boys to Dallas to see The Decemberists. Just so everyone knows, that is at least a 6-hour drive. After the concert ends, we are driving back!

I will probably be going to bed around the time LBJ kids are getting up to go to school.

But it's THE DECEMBERISTS. My favorite!

Yay!

love's the funeral of hearts

Just when college-related areas were starting to look up, my love life starts falling apart.

I haven't eaten alone for a few days.
I've been doing better in volleyball.
I got 90 on my Journeys essay.
I got an A on my Greek test.

And I am miserable.

my salvation lies in your love

I don't know what to be for Halloween. It seems as though all the girls are going to be skanky, and the guys will just be guys.

Where does that leave me?

and the sky is a hazy shade of winter

It is 49 degrees outside! Also it is drizzling and grey. How beautiful and amazing. I wore my winter coat and a scarf. Laura makes fun of me because I am taking pictures of the cold, but I don't care. It's weather like this that makes me happy.

Bands for This Weather:
-The Juliana Theory
-Moby
-Jem
-Tegan and Sara

I had two volleyball games last night (while thunderstorms could be heard outside the Maybee Center). We won one and lost one, but I'm just glad my serves are improving, and I did an amazing block. Also I wore softball pads with black tye-died softball socks and green alligator boxers, so I looked ridiculous. That was half the fun.

Actually, it mostly wasn't fun because my team was purposely trying to not give the ball to me. I know they don't appreciate me much. Oh well.

We are reading the play Agamemnon by Aeschulus in Classical Mythology. It is about when Agamemnon comes home to Mycenae and Clytemnestra stabs him while he is in the bathtub. He deserved it.

Send me mail.

so let's find a bar so dark we forget who we are

Some important things:

1. It is grey, rainy, and chilly.
2. I am a "free agent" intramural volleyball player without kneepads.
3. Fall break is over.

What I want to do is compose a short story, but instead I will just go and think about my Journeys essay of doom that is due on Wednesday. I have a volleyball game tonight that I have to report to at 7:45 in a white shirt. I am nervous.

it was the perfect crime

Laura had a dream that I told her Kim and I had fought again, and that I had stabbed her in the throat with a syringe (which I just spelled wrong).

I suppose that is a tad bit extreme, but seriously (seriously). There is now a new boy who frequents our room almost more than I do. Except now that I have resigned to becoming a recluse, I spend a lot more time in the room than I did when Joe was dating her. So now it is definitely a lot less okay.

Example: I was on the phone on Sunday night and they come in at about 11:45 and climb into her bed where they proceed to whisper to each other and kiss randomly until finally 1:30 or so when he leaves.

Yesterday I came into the room and he was lying on the bed alone, and she was not here. 'Cause that is not weird. Nope.

And today I come in from lunch, and there are a pair of boy shoes strewn over my rug.

MY RUG. That is my territory, my possession, MINE. Unacceptable.

Thank God I leave tomorrow because I do not think that I could deal with this for a week. Oh no. Although I guess it doesn't help that I am tired and stressed and have a lot to do today. And here I am ranting on my blog.

-goes to find syringe-

let the poet cry himself to sleep

Ugh. My roomate is listening to her headphones but actually fucking humming to the music. As if I cannot hear her? I wish I couldn't.

I confess, I am in a bitter mood because today was pointless. I feel like I may as well not exist here. I went to one class and attended a very short presentation for extra credit in Greek, and I made flashcards for the new vocabulary. Woo?

I wrote Sagan and Fi letters.

No offense, but the rest of you shouldn't expect any mail soon because you all suck at writing me back. (Except Clara and Coco).

everything it seems i like's a little bit stronger a little bit thicker a little bit harmful for me

I actually don't think I have the energy to describe Saturday night in all its glory. To summarize: my roomate came in about 3am with two guys (one who is drunk as hell) and let them spend the night without asking me as I pretended to be asleep. Then two of them woke up at about 9am and talked loudly and laughed loudly and the third awoke and they all made fun of me for a little while and then left FINALLY around 11 and I got up, pissed because I had, what, 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Not to mention boys slept in my room, in my space, on my rug, without my permission. I was so mad. What an amazing weekend, except NOT. I hope she leaves. Seriously.

I met with our RA two days ago after she requested a meeting to hear "my side" of things, since she had randomly already heard Kim's, and now today we are meeting with her together in 15 minutes. WHOOPIE.

I am the bad guy. Somehow, I am the bad guy. I'm rarely the bad guy. I am fucking harmless! ...Right? This is so frustrating.

Today is Ben's birthday. I sent him a mix CD.

When I come home in a week, I am bringing half my wardrobe, because honestly I am having a difficult time shoving things into my drawers. I can't wait to get home and sleep and take a shower and eat tacos and see my dog.

what we need is just what we want

You guys who called me are amazing. I'm sorry I didn't call any of you back--I just wanted to be unsad enough to sound more objective and not cry at you.

I will explain the rest of my weekend whenever I have time. It was pretty ridiculous.